I never know what will be the trigger to my meltdown or when it will happen but yesterday was one of the worst.
It started with me just going through random pics on my phone when I saw one of Mitt and I that was taken in January and I lost it. He looked so healthy and I was remembering how happy we were that night. It was January 2, and we were going to dinner with friends we both love, Jodie and Sandra, for their wedding anniversary.
I was so excited to celebrate with them it wasn't until the next day that I realized it was also our 19th anniversary of the night we met and the 9th anniversary of my business, Welcome Baby. We had a great night but it was bittersweet because I knew...I knew Mitt didn't feel good and even though he laughed and smiled all night, I could tell he really wasn't himself.
To see the photo of us just 5 short months ago and to see his appearance compared to his appearance now overwhelms me. It feels like a crushing pressure in my chest, it body slams me, this new unwelcome reality...my love is dying...shock, grief and disbelief, yet this photo is proof. "SEE" it seems to shout at me, "SEE" look at the truth, here it is, here is proof.
I cried most of my morning, I cried myself back to sleep in the mid morning and woke up feeling like someone had beaten me while I slept. My entire body hurt, I told Mike; today I'm a car, my body's in park, my heart is broken and my brain is totaled.
Later in the afternoon my friend, Kristie came over to run a few errands with me. This meant so much to me. She stayed and helped with dinner and both Mike and I enjoyed her company. I don't know how my day would have played out without her, but having her here stopped my flood of tears and really comforted me. Thank you Kristie.
This morning started out much the same way, with reality slapping me...I woke up and was facing Mike's hospital bed. I had a very clear view of him in it. He was sleeping with his new mouthguard in, because the morphine makes him bite his lip. He is now skin and bones and weighs maybe 155. I thought; there he is, there's my Mitt, there's the love of my life and he is sleeping in this hospital bed and he's dying. I immediately started my day in tears.
How do I accept this...how do I accept something so unthinkable to me?
In your words, I can feel your pain. I am so sorry. It is not something to accept...you survive it. It is ok to cry and fall apart. You are losing the love of your life. Just survive. Love ya, Kim o.
ReplyDeleteChris, Your words make my heart feel so heavy. Just as Kim wrote, I can hear & feel your pain. I am glad to hear that your friend made the day a bit brighter. You and Mike are forever in my thoughts as I go through my day
ReplyDelete, and I pray that the love & support you feel, only becomes greater. God Bless. Teresa
I don't have a answer for you.
ReplyDeleteAll I have is a Hug, a Prayer and My Love for You.
Chris, there are no words or answers and no matter how hard you try to prepare yourself, you can't and never will. You are entitled to cry or have a bad day, it's ok, it's how we survive. Continue to hold strong and know thoughts & prayers are being sent to you & Mitt & your family :) Take Care!
ReplyDelete