When Mitt first was diagnosed I remember I thought it was unfair. I reasoned in my head that I had always appreciated him and gave thanks for him. So why would the Lord take away something so precious to me that I was so very grateful for?
A couple of days ago, friends Scott and Cecelia sent us a letter and sent me the book, "Dream New Dreams" By Jai Pausch (the wife of professor Randy Pausch who wrote "The Last Lecture".) I read the book in two days, some of it I read aloud to Mitt. Thank you Scott and Cecelia we greatly appreciate the love you've shown Mitt and I.
After reading the book I realized I had taken Mike for granted. Not in the here and now but in the dreams of my future with him. I really thought without a doubt we would grow old together; that we would always be the Mittens, the Mitts, the Mittsters...this was us. Never once did it dawn on me that my future might possibly not include him.
The book addresses the plight of the caregiver and it was healing for me to read it. I also came away a little frightened of what lies ahead; as she describes how painful it was when her husband actually died. As much as I can try to brace myself for this new unthinkable reality...of my Mitt no longer being here. I know his absence will actually be much worse than I can even imagine.
Right now at this very minute, Thursday May 31, 2012 at 1:28 pm I am grateful I can hug him, kiss him, squeeze him, massage him, laugh with him or fix him something to eat. Right now I can share my moments with him. Right now my life is happier and filled with love because we're together, sharing this life.
In our near future, God will call him home and I will be here ALONE. He will be on a business trip he will never return from. I never thought in a million years this would be my future. A future without him...
"Dream New Dreams" even the title makes me cry. I know I'll never be ready to see him go.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Prayer Request
Last night was the roughest we've had since Mitt had internal bleeding. He was still in pain after taking 2 Norco and 2 Morphine.
I wanted to call hospice but he did not want me to, so I didn't. Hospice told me to allow him to be in charge of his care as long as he's able.
It started early, all he wanted was a little bit of potato for dinner he ate very little and almost immediately threw it up. He had pain in his stomach and he was exhausted. Usually a coffee break will relieve some pressure and pain but it didn't help much.
Around midnight he was violently vomiting. When he finally fell asleep he thrashed around in the bed. He was in such pain and I couldn't help him and I laid there beside him, held his arm and cried. Sometime in the middle of the night he said "Mitt, I'll always be thinking of you". I told him I would always be thinking of him too. (for those of you who don't know, we call each other Mitt.)
Mike needs your prayers more than ever. Please pray specifically for no pain and suffering.
Mitt and I would like to thank Tessa, Lacey, Brendan and our neighbor, Jim for moving the furniture and the elliptical to accommodate the hospital bed. Your time and muscle is greatly appreciated.
We have not yet contacted hospice for the bed. Mitt will decide when he's ready for it.
He is doing much better now and it's time for me to make his soup. Thank you Pam for the Gerson soup recipe we eat it everyday. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Love to you all.
I wanted to call hospice but he did not want me to, so I didn't. Hospice told me to allow him to be in charge of his care as long as he's able.
It started early, all he wanted was a little bit of potato for dinner he ate very little and almost immediately threw it up. He had pain in his stomach and he was exhausted. Usually a coffee break will relieve some pressure and pain but it didn't help much.
Around midnight he was violently vomiting. When he finally fell asleep he thrashed around in the bed. He was in such pain and I couldn't help him and I laid there beside him, held his arm and cried. Sometime in the middle of the night he said "Mitt, I'll always be thinking of you". I told him I would always be thinking of him too. (for those of you who don't know, we call each other Mitt.)
Mike needs your prayers more than ever. Please pray specifically for no pain and suffering.
Mitt and I would like to thank Tessa, Lacey, Brendan and our neighbor, Jim for moving the furniture and the elliptical to accommodate the hospital bed. Your time and muscle is greatly appreciated.
We have not yet contacted hospice for the bed. Mitt will decide when he's ready for it.
He is doing much better now and it's time for me to make his soup. Thank you Pam for the Gerson soup recipe we eat it everyday. Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Love to you all.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
The next step
Mitt was awake during the night vomiting. So we had a restless night. He's sleeping more during the day but his sleep is often interrupted by dreams, hallucinations or nausea & vomiting. I wish I could do more for him. He can only sleep on his back so he is getting sore.
Hospice talked with us about bringing in the hospital bed now, so he can change sleep positions and be more comfortable and they said it would also help him get in and out of bed. He said he wants the bed in the master bedroom so today we will be rearranging furniture to make room.
I think it will help him physically but may hurt him mentally...I don't know if either of us are ready to accept the sight of a hospital bed; it's just a bed but it makes a statement on it's own.
Hospice and the hospital bed seem to go together...they feel like the beginning of the final chapter. Even though we both know it's best for him physically; we've talked about it and we both agree we aren't really ready mentally.
Either way we need to prepare, we need to make space and allow in what needs to happen. Resisting this next step will only make this part of our journey tougher. We don't need tougher, we need to stay focused on his comfort and let go.
I love Mitt with all my heart and I will do everything in my power to make his time here as upbeat and as happy as I can. The very best gift he has given me was pure happiness. He shared his happy times with me, allowed me to have my own and together we created many laughs and happy times.
So maybe if we just change the way we view the hospital bed, we will be fine. After all... isn't it really just a high tech sleeping recliner.
Hospice talked with us about bringing in the hospital bed now, so he can change sleep positions and be more comfortable and they said it would also help him get in and out of bed. He said he wants the bed in the master bedroom so today we will be rearranging furniture to make room.
I think it will help him physically but may hurt him mentally...I don't know if either of us are ready to accept the sight of a hospital bed; it's just a bed but it makes a statement on it's own.
Hospice and the hospital bed seem to go together...they feel like the beginning of the final chapter. Even though we both know it's best for him physically; we've talked about it and we both agree we aren't really ready mentally.
Either way we need to prepare, we need to make space and allow in what needs to happen. Resisting this next step will only make this part of our journey tougher. We don't need tougher, we need to stay focused on his comfort and let go.
I love Mitt with all my heart and I will do everything in my power to make his time here as upbeat and as happy as I can. The very best gift he has given me was pure happiness. He shared his happy times with me, allowed me to have my own and together we created many laughs and happy times.
So maybe if we just change the way we view the hospital bed, we will be fine. After all... isn't it really just a high tech sleeping recliner.
Where
Where is my Mitt?
Where is my love, my friend, my favorite companion?
Where is the man I knew, where has he gone?
Why am I here alone and waiting... FOR death.
Who designed this, who chose this, who is responsible?
What do I do next, what will I feel?
anger, sadness, complete and total grief
Where is my love, my friend, my favorite companion?
Where is the man I knew, where has he gone?
Why am I here alone and waiting... FOR death.
Who designed this, who chose this, who is responsible?
What do I do next, what will I feel?
anger, sadness, complete and total grief
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Grief Counseling
I had my first counseling session with Erin from hospice. She really helped me and I feel much better.
A few things she said that helped:
It's okay to still be an optimist even if it's just focusing my hope on something like...I hope he doesn't suffer.
She asked what brought me the most comfort. I told her it's my spirituality and my belief that Mitt and I will always be connected; she reminded me to go to that place and those thoughts when I feel overwhelmed with sadness.
She advised me to sit down with Mitt and go over everything financial to show him I can handle it and I will be okay. Even though we've had many finance talks, I think this was great advice because Mike has always been so financially focused and I have not. So I'm sure he will appreciate my efforts in one more very detailed financial talk.
She recommended I keep a journal to help me get my emotions out and because reading back over my thoughts and feelings can be healing. This just happened to me; two days ago I found something I wrote last year after Mike's dad, Paul passed away and it brings me tremendous comfort now.
Another thing she mentioned was that it was really important for young children to receive grief counseling because they don't have the tools to process their grief. She said she is available for all of our family or friends who feel they need to talk to someone.
There are many grief counseling groups available and I'm sure I'll be going to a few of them. I can also call Erin anytime I want to and that's comforting to know.
Oh yeah and she even answered my big question of "Why?" I actually in some odd way liked her answer. She said; "We're not suppose to know, it's supposed to be a mystery." I guess I liked her answer because I believe some things are for us to discover later and the best thing we can do is just trust God and ourselves, while we allow and accept the way our lives unfold.
I really connected to Erin and felt very comfortable sharing with her. After asking just a few key questions I think she had us figured out. I felt blessed after my time with her and I am very grateful.
Love to you all, Chris
A few things she said that helped:
It's okay to still be an optimist even if it's just focusing my hope on something like...I hope he doesn't suffer.
She asked what brought me the most comfort. I told her it's my spirituality and my belief that Mitt and I will always be connected; she reminded me to go to that place and those thoughts when I feel overwhelmed with sadness.
She advised me to sit down with Mitt and go over everything financial to show him I can handle it and I will be okay. Even though we've had many finance talks, I think this was great advice because Mike has always been so financially focused and I have not. So I'm sure he will appreciate my efforts in one more very detailed financial talk.
She recommended I keep a journal to help me get my emotions out and because reading back over my thoughts and feelings can be healing. This just happened to me; two days ago I found something I wrote last year after Mike's dad, Paul passed away and it brings me tremendous comfort now.
Another thing she mentioned was that it was really important for young children to receive grief counseling because they don't have the tools to process their grief. She said she is available for all of our family or friends who feel they need to talk to someone.
There are many grief counseling groups available and I'm sure I'll be going to a few of them. I can also call Erin anytime I want to and that's comforting to know.
Oh yeah and she even answered my big question of "Why?" I actually in some odd way liked her answer. She said; "We're not suppose to know, it's supposed to be a mystery." I guess I liked her answer because I believe some things are for us to discover later and the best thing we can do is just trust God and ourselves, while we allow and accept the way our lives unfold.
I really connected to Erin and felt very comfortable sharing with her. After asking just a few key questions I think she had us figured out. I felt blessed after my time with her and I am very grateful.
Love to you all, Chris
Saturday, May 19, 2012
No Energy
Mitt has no energy today. He is feeling quite tired; he has slept almost all day and has been talking in his sleep. I wish he would quit taking the morphine. I wonder how much it's contributing to his exhaustion and confusion. I wish I knew what to do for him. Normally he goes into his home office everyday but he didn't today. When he was awake he was quiet and even less himself.
Yesterday hospice came and registered us, it was quick and easy just a few papers to sign. Not a lot of information that we didn't already know but Traci the hospice nurse did a good job informing us. Last night a call came in from hospice as a routine check on Mike...they asked how he was...tell them "I'm dead" he said with a smile. The nurse didn't even pause, "I'm sorry to hear that" she said "I hope he feels better". We just laughed when I hung up.
Mitt watched a movie last night it's actually the first full movie he's watched since being sick. His appetite seemed a little better yesterday but now has declined again. When he sees me excited about what I view as an improvement he tells me not to get my hopes up and tells me it doesn't mean anything.
I also have no energy; something about being the witness to suffering takes a physical and emotional toll. I had to force myself to make the coffee for his coffee breaks...it took me all day to do this simple task. Truthfully, I'm still not finished.
I'll start counseling next week and believe me I need it. What are you doing this weekend?....I'm watching my husband die and remembering how "this kind of thing" was always something that happened to other people. I feel guilty for my anger as it sounds so bitter but my heart is very grateful to be able to be at his side; as there is no other place I would rather be.
Count your blessings and take care of your health and each other.
In love and gratitude, Chris
Yesterday hospice came and registered us, it was quick and easy just a few papers to sign. Not a lot of information that we didn't already know but Traci the hospice nurse did a good job informing us. Last night a call came in from hospice as a routine check on Mike...they asked how he was...tell them "I'm dead" he said with a smile. The nurse didn't even pause, "I'm sorry to hear that" she said "I hope he feels better". We just laughed when I hung up.
Mitt watched a movie last night it's actually the first full movie he's watched since being sick. His appetite seemed a little better yesterday but now has declined again. When he sees me excited about what I view as an improvement he tells me not to get my hopes up and tells me it doesn't mean anything.
I also have no energy; something about being the witness to suffering takes a physical and emotional toll. I had to force myself to make the coffee for his coffee breaks...it took me all day to do this simple task. Truthfully, I'm still not finished.
I'll start counseling next week and believe me I need it. What are you doing this weekend?....I'm watching my husband die and remembering how "this kind of thing" was always something that happened to other people. I feel guilty for my anger as it sounds so bitter but my heart is very grateful to be able to be at his side; as there is no other place I would rather be.
Count your blessings and take care of your health and each other.
In love and gratitude, Chris
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Hospice
I'm happy with Mitt's oncologist, every time I email her or call her she almost immediately gets back to me. Yesterday morning I emailed her and asked her to please refer us to hospice now...within about an hour a hospice nurse was calling me to schedule a visit.
We started with a hospice phone assessment, it was quite detailed and I was surprised at how many questions they asked. The nurse was shocked when I told her he weighs 163, she said in his records in April he weighed 188. He really has declined rapidly and it's not just me worrying...
A hospice nurse named Tracy will be coming over Friday morning. I wouldn't have called hospice in so soon but daughter, Tessa went to a seminar and emailed me a link to a video which was really helpful. The hospice nurse recommended calling in hospice sooner rather than later and both Mitt and I feel better about having help.
Hospice also ordered a comfort care kit for Mitt and today I will be going to Kaiser pharmacy to pick it up. I'm especially relieved to know that they will be here to help with all of his meds and his pain management. They've also assigned me a counselor I will meet with her next week.
The good news....Yesterday Jon came over to have lunch with Mike. His roadwife can always cheer him up! Mike ate more than he has in such a very long time and he kept it all down! I was shocked and so happy. It was so good for me to take my friend Darcy out for her bday lunch and so great to come home and see Jon and Mike...two peas in a pod both smiling and laughing. Thanks Jon, YOU are a true friend and we are very grateful for you!
Thank you all for your continued thoughts, prayers and love. xoxo
We started with a hospice phone assessment, it was quite detailed and I was surprised at how many questions they asked. The nurse was shocked when I told her he weighs 163, she said in his records in April he weighed 188. He really has declined rapidly and it's not just me worrying...
A hospice nurse named Tracy will be coming over Friday morning. I wouldn't have called hospice in so soon but daughter, Tessa went to a seminar and emailed me a link to a video which was really helpful. The hospice nurse recommended calling in hospice sooner rather than later and both Mitt and I feel better about having help.
Hospice also ordered a comfort care kit for Mitt and today I will be going to Kaiser pharmacy to pick it up. I'm especially relieved to know that they will be here to help with all of his meds and his pain management. They've also assigned me a counselor I will meet with her next week.
The good news....Yesterday Jon came over to have lunch with Mike. His roadwife can always cheer him up! Mike ate more than he has in such a very long time and he kept it all down! I was shocked and so happy. It was so good for me to take my friend Darcy out for her bday lunch and so great to come home and see Jon and Mike...two peas in a pod both smiling and laughing. Thanks Jon, YOU are a true friend and we are very grateful for you!
Thank you all for your continued thoughts, prayers and love. xoxo
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Sadness
I can't bring myself to post. It's very difficult to express how we are managing. The days and nights seem to be filled with grief; my heart aches every time I look at my Mitt. He is dying before me and witnessing his decline in health is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. He now weighs 163 and at 6'2" tall he looks very, very thin. He still tries to make me laugh but his energy is declining. He pushes himself to be "up" for visitors which is very draining for him.
Mike's mom and brother were here for Mother's Day and just left today. Little Mama was planning on staying but after she witnessed how Mike pushed himself to be "up" for her, she decided she should go home so he would rest. This is so Mitt, always trying to make us all feel better while he is suffering. The character of my Mitt has always amazed me but through his illness I've been impressed over and over at his courage and his compassion for his family.
Every year for Mother's Day we release butterflies; we've had this tradition for 12 years now. It was nice to be together and to have Little Mama and Brother Mark here with us.
Mother's Day morning started out very rough for Mitt and at first I didn't think he would be able to get out of bed but not only did he join us for lunch he even spent time in the pool with the grandkids.
Papa had given Jackson a Jelly Belly pillow and Jackson drew a picture of Papa and taped it to his pillow so he can hug Papa whenever he wants to. Jackson brought his pillow to show us and we all loved it. After lunch, the butterfly release and swimming it was so sweet to see Papa snuggling with the grandkids. We had a peaceful holiday and I'm very grateful.
Today I will be contacting hospice and counseling. I am so filled with sadness I'm not sure how to process this. Watching the man I love grow weaker each day is overwhelming crushing suffocating excruticating and devastating...all these feelings are why I haven't been able to post. I have no words and no way of understanding why the human condition is so inhumane.
Mike's mom and brother were here for Mother's Day and just left today. Little Mama was planning on staying but after she witnessed how Mike pushed himself to be "up" for her, she decided she should go home so he would rest. This is so Mitt, always trying to make us all feel better while he is suffering. The character of my Mitt has always amazed me but through his illness I've been impressed over and over at his courage and his compassion for his family.
Every year for Mother's Day we release butterflies; we've had this tradition for 12 years now. It was nice to be together and to have Little Mama and Brother Mark here with us.
Mother's Day morning started out very rough for Mitt and at first I didn't think he would be able to get out of bed but not only did he join us for lunch he even spent time in the pool with the grandkids.
Papa had given Jackson a Jelly Belly pillow and Jackson drew a picture of Papa and taped it to his pillow so he can hug Papa whenever he wants to. Jackson brought his pillow to show us and we all loved it. After lunch, the butterfly release and swimming it was so sweet to see Papa snuggling with the grandkids. We had a peaceful holiday and I'm very grateful.
Today I will be contacting hospice and counseling. I am so filled with sadness I'm not sure how to process this. Watching the man I love grow weaker each day is overwhelming crushing suffocating excruticating and devastating...all these feelings are why I haven't been able to post. I have no words and no way of understanding why the human condition is so inhumane.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Update
It's been so long since I've posted...we've had a very busy time.
Last weekend we celebrated and hosted a Gender Reveal Party with friends and family.
Together we found out that our 4th Grandbaby would be a boy! Congrats to Cassie and James, their little guy is due Sept. 26th. They opened a box of blue balloons and everyone bit into cupcakes to find blue filling inside.
We had a football theme with teams of pink & blue, with the 50 guests who all wore pink or blue, we really enjoyed the team spirit! It was very special for us. All four of our kids were home and all of my siblings came to celebrate.
Mitt did incredible during this time, he managed to find the energy to visit with all of our guests. He's had an exhausting and difficult week this past week but has maintained his good nature.
I would like to thank everyone who attended the party and all the travelers especially, as we had people from TN, TX, SD, MN, KS and furthest of all NY. :)
Mike started a new treatment, DCAcancer.org, he has just started this so it's too soon to tell if it has helped. We returned all the Sunrider herbs as he couldn't keep them down.
I also want to thank you all again for the cards, emails, letters, thoughts and prayers; your support continues to uplift us.
Last weekend we celebrated and hosted a Gender Reveal Party with friends and family.
Together we found out that our 4th Grandbaby would be a boy! Congrats to Cassie and James, their little guy is due Sept. 26th. They opened a box of blue balloons and everyone bit into cupcakes to find blue filling inside.
We had a football theme with teams of pink & blue, with the 50 guests who all wore pink or blue, we really enjoyed the team spirit! It was very special for us. All four of our kids were home and all of my siblings came to celebrate.
Mitt did incredible during this time, he managed to find the energy to visit with all of our guests. He's had an exhausting and difficult week this past week but has maintained his good nature.
I would like to thank everyone who attended the party and all the travelers especially, as we had people from TN, TX, SD, MN, KS and furthest of all NY. :)
Mike started a new treatment, DCAcancer.org, he has just started this so it's too soon to tell if it has helped. We returned all the Sunrider herbs as he couldn't keep them down.
I also want to thank you all again for the cards, emails, letters, thoughts and prayers; your support continues to uplift us.
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