Everything changes in a day

Yesterday was a turning point for Mitt... a turn for the worst which I could never have been prepared for. The morning started out great; he made it downstairs with the help of his cane and walker. I made his eggs; he gave them the thumbs up and said they were perfect.

He made it back upstairs slowly and we went through our morning ritual. He was using the restroom and I went in to help him up. When I pulled and he tried to stand he collapsed. He tried to crawl to the bed. He couldn't make it and I couldn't lift him. I called hospice and they sent over the non emergency fire department. Three firemen came in and two of them lifted him back into bed.

I was in tears and frustrated with myself for not keeping it together. Seeing him so helpless and not being able to help him frustrated and overwhelmed me and brought me to my knees.

Hospice sent a nurse over to evaluate Mitt after his fall.  He was having such difficulty swallowing they prescribed him the morphine patch along with the liquid morphine. All other pill form meds have been stopped.

Our three daughters came over, we had an ultrasound scheduled for Cassie in the afternoon. Mitt was asleep so we all managed to go. Our little grandson, LJ was camera shy but we got a few good ultrasound pictures to share with Papa Mitt.  After the ultrasound the girls had a few friends over to surprise me for my birthday. It was my 50th and the girls invited five of my friends and surprised me, they showered me with their love. I will forever be grateful. My head was still spinning from the morning. My heart was so filled with grief that I actually felt dizzy and I felt like I was in a fog while everyone was here.

When he finally woke up last night for some broth about 10 pm he told me he wanted to get up and walk. I had to remind him what happened and we both cried. Heavily medicated, tired, sick and in pain he still managed to joke with me and Lacey, look through all my birthday cards, gifts and pictures and admire little baby, LJ in the ultrasound photos.

The whole day was a blur about 2 am I realized there had been so much activity that I had not processed the anxiety of the morning.  I have to accept that Mitt is now what hospice refers to as bed bound.  He will no longer be able to walk around the house. 

They told me he had final gifts to give and they were right. His strength and courage shine and will forever be an example for us. His illness and what it has physically taken from him will forever make us more aware and grateful for the abilities we have in this life.

As I tried to sleep last night I remembered back to a Saturday in March; we still didn't have a diagnosis but we knew.  Mitt said he wanted to go to Walnut Creek for lunch.  He called it my "birthday lunch" and said he wouldn't be able to take me in July.  He took me to Tiffany's and asked me to pick out my favorite piece of jewelry, I picked a heart bracelet.  He wanted to personalize it for me.  The lady who was helping us kept trying to get us to go into a back room.  I was crying uncontrollably as she filled out the order form just watching her write the words..."Love You Forever Mitt" it felt like such a final goodbye.  I actually can't bring myself to wear this bracelet; I put it on and become so overwhelmed with emotion.  Someday I know I will be more at peace with this and I will cherish this gift for the rest of my life.

Though my fifty birthday wasn't what I thought it would be. I feel so very grateful that Mitt is still here with me. I feel blessed, loved and comforted by family and friends. Thank you all.

Downhill

I haven't been able to bring myself to post. There's no way for me to update this blog without totally breaking down.

Mitt is declining, he's lost more weight, he's very weak. He's been having trouble swallowing. He's in pain. Today his doctor increased his morphine to 100 mg every morning and night. He has a rash on his trunk and thighs, it's purple. His ankles and feet are badly swollen. His hands are extremely white. His body is failing, he can barely make it up the stairs and in and out of bed.

Please pray for his comfort and for my strength. I feel like I'm dying with him.

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and love.