Mitten to Mitten

I met with Erin the hospice counselor for a couple of hours today. I'm trying to stay strong. The things that helped me before are no longer working. I'm not sleeping well, I am so exhausted, I'm very emotional and I dearly miss our old life. Mitt is sleeping a lot more with the increase in morphine.  Sometimes I find comfort in the memories of us in happier times.  Today I found this poem; I wrote it for him nine years ago on Valentine's Day.

"Mitten to Mitten"

This is the life we chose to share

 always trying to take great care

 of what became of you and me

 when we formed the ultimate "we".

We always thank our God above

 for sending the other for us to love

 and as our lives grow and change

 we realize we wouldn't rearrange.

Our life together would simply be

 the only way that we could see

 through the happy times and tears

 as we grow older from year to year.

 Tho' we cannot help but ponder

as we find we're growing fonder;

 how is it that we're still smitten

 with all our love, mitten to mitten?

From Your Wife with Love

Valentine's Day 2003

Relay for Life

This past Saturday was the Relay for Life in Vacaville. Our friend, Sandra aka Sparkle was the Team captain for a girls group she is the organizer of; SWAG (Sassy Women Always Game).

Sixteen ladies from the group joined Sparkle to form Team SWAG. Together they raised $7300.00! Sparkle herself walked 24 miles. She lost her sister in law to breast cancer. Our friend, Kristie walked 22 miles; she lost her dad to brain cancer when she was just 21 years old. The ladies put up with the dusty, cold conditions for a full 24 hours; they gave up time with their loved ones for a cause they believe in.

I am so proud of them and so very grateful for them and their sacrifice.

I had a very hard time going to the event. Talking with my sister, Carol helped and right after we chatted a card came from her in the mail and it also gave me strength. Mike was having a hard day, he was noticeably weaker. Going up the stairs is becoming harder for him. The steroids he is on are helping him to be able to eat more but he is not gaining weight or strength. Seeing him struggle is always difficult but Saturday it crushed me.

I forced myself to go to the Relay and I walked a few laps with my fellow Swaggies. It was very overwhelming; the "In Memory of" tributes were everywhere. I couldn't stop my tears or the thoughts that soon there would be one for my Mitt. Even typing it now...it is so very painful to admit; it makes me feel like I'm being crushed and I can't breathe.

I tried to post here on Saturday and on Sunday but I could not bring myself to post. Sometimes posting here feels therapeutic and sometimes it feels like I'm going to break. This blog can bring me comfort at times and at others it's a pressure and a reminder of our nightmare.

Mitt is getting weaker and I feel I am too. To say I feel lonely and alone is an understatement. Even surrounded by the love and support of friends and family, I dearly miss him...I miss us, I miss our lives, I miss our love, I miss it all...and he's still here! I know I am so blessed to still be able to hug and kiss and squeeze him. It hurts me so much now, I can't even imagine the pain of my life without him.

Time

Time is an odd thing...sometimes it seems to be on our side and sometimes it seems to be against us. These days, time puts me in an awkward place...I want more time with Mitt and he wants to go. He says his quality of life is so diminished he is ready.

What can I say to this...besides I understand? I do understand with my limited capacity of what he's going through. Although I am a witness to his suffering, I am not experiencing it as he is. I am with him at 4 am when he is awake and has the dry heaves. I am with him every step of the pain management; trying to keep track of and figure out which drugs work and which drugs make it worse. I have been with him every step of this disease which has devastated both of us. But this is his experience and I am just his willing caregiver and his unwilling witness.

I can't wish for more time when he wants so badly to be free of his pain. I try to align my thoughts with his. Sometimes I hear his prayers, they are for God to take him now. My heart breaks a little more each day as I try my best to not break down and scream at the world. Inside my screams are always the same... NO NO NO...does it change it? no, does it help me? not really, does it even matter? I don't know. If on some spiritual level this experience is meant or designed to break me, it has. Adding time to the pain and suffering changes it...it is more painful, more dreadful and more devastating because with time, it begins to feel endless.

I don't want this for my Mitt. I continue to pray for him not to suffer. His time...it's precious and it's limited. This is true for all of us though; none of us know when our time will be up. These thoughts are on my heart; what can I do with our limited time and how do I make sense of this senseless suffering?

Happy Papa's Day

Happy Father's Day to Papa Mitt, my Dad Vern, PJ in heaven and all the dads we know. On this day I'm very grateful for the sacrifices of our fathers and for all of the sacrifices Mitt made when he married us. He went from being a bachelor to an instant family. Now that the kids are grown and I've had the experience of a very peaceful home, I can appreciate more the extreme life change he went through.

Imagine an instant family and adding four young kids to your life. Not only did Mitt take us all on, he did so with a heart full of love. He was up for the challenge and shared his values and life experiences with all of us. He helped to make our kids who they are today and he made me a better parent and a better person along the way. Mitt has always amazed me with his integrity and his character. He is truly the best.

Happy Father's Day to my Mitt, my Papa, my friend. I love you.

Celebration of Love

I am so incredibly proud of my Mitt. We made it to the wedding and he did great. I know he didn't feel good but he was still classic Mike. He smiled, laughed, chatted, hugged and throughly enjoyed Lacey and Brendan's celebration of love.

The wedding was in Napa at 7 pm which was great since it was 100 degrees here and it was an outdoor wedding. We arrived at 6:30 for pictures and Mitt did great on the drive. He did rely on the norco and had to take it every 2 hours to get through but he made it. We both loved the fish tacos they served and we danced a sweet dance together and left for home about 9:30.

I was determined not to think about anything except the celebration and I didn't even cry. I surprised myself as in the weeks leading up to the wedding all I did was cry whenever I thought about it. My thought process would start taking over and I would be sad about all the things Mitt will miss and how much we will all miss him being in our lives.

I've been trying to meditate more and I realized in prayer and meditation that when my mind does this I am really missing out on the now. I vowed to do my best to stay in the moment and enjoy (be in joy) with my Mitt.

I've been so devastated for months I really don't want his last months with me to be filled with sadness. I know we will always have the sadness and when he is suffering I will suffer with him. Thankfully there will also be moments that the pain is manageable and we can share a laugh and when those moments are here I don't want my mind on the "if and when" I want to be fully present with my Mitt in our moment of laughter.

Yesterday was a big day for us, we gained a son. Welcome to the family Brendan. Lacey, I am so proud of you; you were such a beautiful bride and picked such a great guy. I know you two will create a very happy life.

It was very healing to see all the smiles, hear the laughter and to feel the love of two families and their friends. It was a true "Celebration of Love". We are all so blessed.

Pain Management

Mitt has been having a difficult time with pain. The oncologist changed his meds again. He is now taking 5 morphine every 12 hours, 2 Norco every 2-3 hours as needed for break thru pain, prilosec 2 times a day for heartburn and she prescribed a new drug, Dexamethasone which is a corticosteroid, he supposed to take it twice a day.

He vomits several times a day and sometimes during the night. So we don't really know how much of the medicine actually gets into his system. He also has 3 other drugs for nausea and vomiting. He's really sick and tired of all the meds. I really wish they could do more for his comfort.

He is stressed about Lacey's wedding this weekend and at this point I'm really not sure if he'll make it. The ceremony is at 7 pm which is late for him. He has such highs and lows during the day, it's really hard to guess how he will feel. So we will just see how he's doing; if he feels he can make it that's great, if not that's okay too. I keep telling him this but I can tell he feels bad about being so sick.

Today my dad, Vern turns 80! All of my family will gather in SD to celebrate his milestone birthday this weekend. Mike and I will be there in spirit. My dad is an inspiration to me everyday. When we called to sing him Happy Birthday he was outside building a new deck. He's the hardest working 80 year old I know. Love you Dad!

Again, I want to thank every one of you for your love, thoughts, prayers, cards and emails, each one is special to both of us. Please continue praying for Mike to have no suffering. Thank you.

How Mike became Mitt

People have been asking me why I call Mike, "Mitt".  Shortly after we were married in 1994 our daughter Lacey was turning 14 and I didn't know what to get her for her birthday.  For those of you who don't know Lacey, she's super sweet and she's never, ever been a material girl.  So for this teenager, a trip to the mall just wasn't the answer.  After much thought I decided to go to the pound and get her a kitten.

We already had a cat; a big, beautiful, brown cat named Roscoe.  Mike loved Roscoe but he wasn't thrilled about adding another cat to our busy household.  In my newlywed wisdom ; ) I decided it would be okay. I thought with Mike's big heart he would fall in love with this kitten in no time and lucky for me and the kitten, he did.

We named the kitten "Kiwi Mittenhead" and soon Mike & Kiwi were best buds and always snuggling.  Seeing them together I started calling Mike, Mittenhead after the kitten; I would see them and say, "Hi Kiwi & Mittenhead".  Then Mike became Mitten, eventually he started calling me "Mitten" too and soon every card and note we exchanged was signed to and from Mitten.

Through the years we both became just Mitt.  Though he's the only one who calls me Mitt; friends and family do refer to Mike as "Mitt" and we are both referred to as The Mittens, The Mitts and The Mittsters. 

This is our own special endearment to each other and it's really been the perfect nickname for us since "Mittens" are always pairs.  ; )  I never thought a silly nickname would become so heartwarming to me.  I dearly love how every time I see or hear the name Mitt, my heart smiles.

Unthinkable

I never know what will be the trigger to my meltdown or when it will happen but yesterday was one of the worst.

It started with me just going through random pics on my phone when I saw one of Mitt and I that was taken in January and I lost it. He looked so healthy and I was remembering how happy we were that night. It was January 2, and we were going to dinner with friends we both love, Jodie and Sandra, for their wedding anniversary.

I was so excited to celebrate with them it wasn't until the next day that I realized it was also our 19th anniversary of the night we met and the 9th anniversary of my business, Welcome Baby. We had a great night but it was bittersweet because I knew...I knew Mitt didn't feel good and even though he laughed and smiled all night, I could tell he really wasn't himself.

To see the photo of us just 5 short months ago and to see his appearance compared to his appearance now overwhelms me. It feels like a crushing pressure in my chest, it body slams me, this new unwelcome reality...my love is dying...shock, grief and disbelief, yet this photo is proof. "SEE" it seems to shout at me, "SEE" look at the truth, here it is, here is proof.

I cried most of my morning, I cried myself back to sleep in the mid morning and woke up feeling like someone had beaten me while I slept. My entire body hurt, I told Mike; today I'm a car, my body's in park, my heart is broken and my brain is totaled.

Later in the afternoon my friend, Kristie came over to run a few errands with me. This meant so much to me. She stayed and helped with dinner and both Mike and I enjoyed her company. I don't know how my day would have played out without her, but having her here stopped my flood of tears and really comforted me. Thank you Kristie.

This morning started out much the same way, with reality slapping me...I woke up and was facing Mike's hospital bed. I had a very clear view of him in it. He was sleeping with his new mouthguard in, because the morphine makes him bite his lip. He is now skin and bones and weighs maybe 155. I thought; there he is, there's my Mitt, there's the love of my life and he is sleeping in this hospital bed and he's dying. I immediately started my day in tears.

How do I accept this...how do I accept something so unthinkable to me?

2 Caregivers named Chris

Mitt's new hospice nurse is named Chris. We really like her. Thank you Kaiser Hospice for having someone like Chris on your team.

When we first meet Chris, road wife Jon was here and we all enjoyed a good chat. After a lengthy discussion on Mike's pain, she recommended 4 morphine every 12 hours so he could try to avoid taking the norco. She also told him to try the Ativan to help him sleep. The Ativan caused severe, painful heartburn which kept him awake. He won't continue taking it.

Nurse Chris called this morning and we had a chat about Mike. About an hour later I called her back because he was vomiting. She went over all his meds; he has three different nausea meds and we discussed best times to take them. She makes us feel better, she listens and she offers suggestions. It is very comforting to know she's the real deal. She comes across as one of the most caring and genuine medical professional I have ever met.

She really does live up to our name. ;)

My Poetic Picture

This morning my heart took a picture, I wish I could post it for you all to see.

I was downstairs and Mitt called out to me. I went upstairs and crawled into his hospital bed with him. As I was enjoying the moment of snuggling next to him; he fell back to sleep and I was listening to him breathe. I turned to take in his profile and noticed his face was directly under a large wedding photo of us. In the photo we are kissing and our son Rusty is just a little boy; and he's peeking at us as we share our first kiss as husband and wife.

Our wedding photo is matted in white with a silver frame and the hospital bed has silver rails. So the mental picture I took was; Mike's profile on a white sheet, against the silver bed rails, right above him was the silver frame with the white mat, with the photo of us kissing and Rusty peeking and I thought...this is poetic.

I took a picture of that very moment...I will keep it forever in my heart.

Letting Go

I feel the need to clear the air on the issue of me letting Mike go. After my last blog post titled "Changes" I closed with... "he is asking me to let him go...daily he asks me. I'm not sure I can."

I've been sent emails, private messages and text messages regarding that statement.  Some of them cheer me on, others offer advice or even scold me in some way.  Please people, let me express my grief, my way. This is my process.  I need to go through this with my own thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  To reassure those of you who feel I am controlling Mike's death, please think again. I have NOT controlled him in his life nor will I in his death.

This is his journey not mine.  I could hire a sky plane to write out in the sky "MIKE WATRATZ, YOUR LOVING WIFE RELEASES YOU... YOU ARE NOW FREE TO MOVE ABOUT THE UNIVERSE!" He will still go when he wants to go not when I say it's okay.

So I would like to address all the responses. Yes I love myself, NO I am not suicidal NOR do I have a death wish of my own and YES I have told him he can go... many, many times.

Like the grief counselor said; grief is like a bouncing ball some days we are up and some days we are down.

I understand he wants to go, I accept he wants to go and I realize he will be going.  I will not call 911, I will not push him to treatments that he does not want nor will I hold anger against him that he did not do more to stay.  I have treated him in his illness the same way I have treated him our entire marriage.  I have loved him, respected him, cared for him and trusted him to do what is best for him.

So please don't jump to your conclusions that I have some power over him.  If I truly had the power to keep him here I would heal him and keep him here healthy, not keep him here suffering. This is his journey I want it to be his journey.  I am on my own journey, please allow me to have MY journey. 

If I am down and out don't worry, I won't stay there.  I am the daughter of two very strong and very loving people.  They buried one of their babies and with broken hearts filled the rest of us with all of their love.  My entire life, their lives have been a great example to me.  I know how to get up, brush myself off and do what I need to do.

What did the comment mean..."he is asking me to let him go...daily he asks me. I'm not sure I can."
It meant, one moment I let him go and the next moment I gasp for air and grap him back.  That's the process...as much as I say it and feel it and try to allow it...until he actually goes I will hold onto him.  Wouldn't you?

Changes

Many things are changing here. The bed was delivered so our master bedroom changed. We spoke with his nurse, Chris on the phone and they changed his meds again...so last night was a big adjustment.

Mitt slept in the hospital bed which was more comfortable for him to position his body. I missed him in our bed. They increased his morphine to 4 every 12 hours. He talked in his sleep all night. This morning he was confused no doubt from the morphine; he asked if his cigarette was out and he doesn't smoke. He told me Helen knew how to adjust the bed and we don't know someone named Helen. Hospice said it takes 3 days for his body to adjust to the new dose of morphine. They decided to increase his dose as he was still having too much pain. Of course I don't want him in pain but it's sad to have him so confused, it's like losing a bit more of him everyday.

The hospital bed has one of those air mattress pads that helps with bedsores so the vibration from the motor is a constant reminder. I'm downstairs and I can hear the motor from here, it sounds like something vibrating on the ceiling. The sound and feeling reminds me of the little vibrating bouncy seat they make for babies.

We also had a counseling session with Erin. She told me I need to change my thought process as I'm choosing to stay in the past to include him in my current life. She said I'm setting myself up for failure. I have been in denial, to comfort myself I think about things like; what Mitt and I will be doing in the future. In my mind I've been making imaginary plans. I started doing this because it helped me sleep but now it's become a habit. I need to stop. I didn't do this last night so one day at a time, or in my case...night, as nights are harder.

She also told me I need to get out of the house. That's harder for me, I don't want to leave Mitt here and I'm a homebody. I've had a home based business for 9 years; home for me is work, play, relaxation and the gym. But more than anything else, Mitt is home I want to be here with him. I know she's trying to help me stay sane and strong in this and I told her I would try and I will. Every hospice person turns their attention to me and tells me I have to get out of the house. I'm sure they see first hand the toll this takes on the spouse and getting out is a break from the sadness and the pressure.

It seems to me they are advising me to start now in creating my new beginning; to have two parallel lives going at the same time. One with Mitt where I continue to care for him and one that's just me. So when Mitt leaves this world, I'll be ready, because I will already be started in a new life without him. Then the two lives I have created will once again be one life...I'll step out of my life with him and have both feet in my new life alone. It sounds easier said than done, a foot in each life isn't appealing to me...I want to give 100% of myself to him. The only life I want, is a life that includes him.

He is asking me to let him go...daily he asks me. I'm not sure I can.

Happy Years

Today is our 18th Wedding Anniversary. We've been together 19 1/2 happy years. We always say we knew; for both of us it was love at first sight. From the first moments I spent with Mitt, I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.

We have enjoyed a quiet day together. This morning Rusty went home but first he hung up a heavy mirror for me and he made the final moves of furniture for the hospital bed which should be delivered tomorrow. We both miss Rusty, TN is just too far away. We are happy we will see him again in 2 weeks for Lacey's wedding.

We had a great weekend, Tessa spent Saturday night with us and we decided at about 8:00 at night to throw Lacey and Brendan a Surprise Engagement Party the next day. Tessa and I loved rushing to decorate and making personalized buttons. Mike and I really enjoyed our time with Tessa. Papa joked that we should go get tattoos that would read; "Mama", "Little Mama" and "Big Papa", he said they should all be on our backs. :)

As I reflect on my years with Mitt I am overwhelmed with gratitude. He makes me so happy just being him. He has always been quick to laugh and so easy to love. This anniversary has a much deeper meaning for me. When the one you love has been given months to live you realize just how important every moment is. Truly it is up to each of us to make our moments meaningful. The appreciation we have for those we love and for the love we are given blesses us. Don't take the love in your life for granted; cherish it and each other.

Wishing you many healthy years of love. xoxo

Our weekend

We got quite a surprise Friday morning; we woke up and found son, Rusty home from TN! He was here in March for Cassie's gender reveal party so it was unexpected and so good to see him! We miss Keli and Anessa as they stayed home. This will be a quick trip for him as he will return to TN on Monday.

Rusty's visit had an unexpected impact on Mike, it made him feel better. :) Normally Mitt starts his morning throwing up and he didn't vomit the whole day. I could see his happiness that Rusty was here and his voice was happier too. Rusty went to Santa Rosa to spend the night with Tessa's family and Lacey and Brendan left for Redding. So we were alone for the evening.

Last night Mitt and I decided to go for a swim. The moon was beautiful, the water was warm and Mitt was amazing, he actually swam. The pool water takes pressure off his body and gives him relief, in the water he is almost his old self. It was a magical night seeing him happy and smiling and the moonlight on the water. I know I'll always cherish this memory.

We will be making more sweet memories as all four of our kids will be here on Sunday and we are so happy to be having a bit of unexpected family time! We really miss Keli and Nene so we will call them with FaceTime or Skype so we can share a little family love with our two, sweet TN girls.

Thursday the doctor changed Mitt's meds; he is now taking 3 morphine and 2 norco every 12 hours with 2 norco every 2 hours for break thru pain. It seems to have really helped take the edge off and I'm so grateful the meds seem to be managing his pain. They've assigned Mitt a new hospice nurse, her name is Chris...hmmmm I really hope she can live up to the name. ;) We will meet her next week and get the hospital bed. Erin our grief counselor will also be coming to talk with us.

Many thanks for your thoughts and prayers; especially for all the prayers for pain relief. Two good things happened...the medicine is working and the love is too!

I hope you have a wonderful weekend... I am really looking forward to ours. :)