Homeopath

Yesterday we met with Dr. Moses Goldberg, a homeopath in Napa.  He's a very compassionate & understanding doctor, he listened and he had a lot of knowledge. We both really liked the doctor so that's a big plus.

Secretly I was wishing he would tell us that this was all a big mistake and he had the "magic" pill to fix it.  What he recommends is IV's of vitamin C several times a week.  They would put a port in Mitt's arm so we could administer the IV's from home.  Dr. Goldberg said the Gerson Therapy is a good start.  He also recommends a large assortment of vitamins and herbs.  It was all very overwhelming; there's so many things he thinks we should try, it was a little bit of an overload for us.  We have a lot of information to go over and Mike will decide what he wants to do.

Mitt had a bit of a rough night last night, the drive to Napa was draining.  He took his 2 Norco and 2 Morphine as usual and it didn't quite take the edge off and he had a lot of break through pain.

Highlights this week were...Sister in love, Pam visited and spoiled us with her gifts of organic foods, Gerson goodies and her love.  Many thanks Pam, you're a living angel.
Roadwife Jon came by bearing gifts yesterday.  Thank you Jon and all!
Also Mitt's golf buddy, Mike Reid aka "Pepsi" left a care package and a note at our door last night.
Thank you "Pepsi", after the trip to Napa; Mike found your gift at the door, it means a lot to both of us.

We are so very grateful for all of the love and support.

Reality

This post is difficult for me to write.  I haven't posted for a few days because I am and always have been an optimist and I so very badly want to say... great news, Mike looks great and feels better and I am filled with hope and he is stronger everyday and every one's prayers are working and... we are living happily ever after.  I can't say those things so I haven't been able to bring myself to post.

He is still my Mitt, last night during his vomiting and his pain...he's comforting me.  Just seeing him in pain and seeing him vomit makes me feel like a coward.  He bravely faces his days and nights and I want to hide. Not from him but from the truth.  So I can pretend just so long, I can tell myself he is getting better only so long and every day reality hits hard.  I try to believe this is something we will overcome together but then I am faced with his pain and his limits and I buckle.  I fold. I cry. I scream.

When was the last time he really had a normal day, a true normal day, not just a normal lunch or a brief bit of normal but an entire day of his life the way it used to be?  The answer is months; it's been months since he has had the kind of day we all take for granted.  Do we all realize how truly blessed we are to go about our day doing the things we want to do and some of the things we don't but are still able to do? 

I feel the need to end this with light.  The good news is...the amount of love and support we feel from our family and friends overwhelms us to tears and fills our hearts and sustains us.  We will forever be grateful for all of you and your thoughts and prayers.  I have printed out every comment, email or message and have hung them up all over Mike's office.  Daily he is surrounded by all of you. 

Thank you for blessing us.

Our new normal

Our new normal are days centered around organic foods; where to find them and how to juice or prepare them.  Mitt has good moments and painful moments everyday. The days seems to be filled not so much with highs and lows but sometimes more like lows and lowers...is that too depressing?

Maybe it's different for him but that pretty much sums it up for me.  Watching my beloved suffer is not something I do well. I am a fixer, I want to make everything better. I feel lost and helpless, ashamed and ungrateful. I remind myself to give thanks for every little "good" moment and to remember the 19 years of friendship and love we have shared.

Our love, our history, our present and my hope of our future keeps me going. Sometimes he is on the same page with me, sometimes he's not.  Maybe his journey in this is not so different than mine. He is the patient I am the caretaker...I witness his pain and he witnesses mine. In my eyes he sees my love for him and my wish to remove his pain and in his eyes I see the same.

On the medical page, Mike's records have been sent to Loma Linda University and TheSecondOpinion.org
all of his latest blood results are in and our paperwork has been submitted to The Gerson Institute. Now we wait for their response and do the best each day to juice and rest.

Thank you all for your continued messages and love. God Bless you all this Easter weekend. xoxo

Hope

Thank you, Pam Schoenfelder for helping us get started with the juicing; Mike is showing a little improvement. We are forever grateful for you; for whatever this gives us, it gives us the thing we need the most...hope.

Little Mama and Bromine went home early this morning. Mike is working away in his office and I am in mine.  It is a very peaceful but productive home, I feel a little bit of back to normal.  Today our daughter Tessa turns 33! Happy Birthday Tessa, we love you!!! Wait until you see Papa again; he will look better you will notice.

Gerson Therapy

As of right now Mitt has decided not to do chemotherapy.  We are proceeding with Gerson Therapy.  I have contacted both of the Gerson centers in Hawaii and the Arizona and he does not qualify for treatment due to the extensive spread of his disease.  Their treatment includes the use of niacin which dilates blood vessels and this could be dangerous for him.  He will be on a revised home version of the diet which includes only organic fruits and vegetables.

We are applying for the Gerson Therapy in home non-medical coaching program.  They have requested blood work and Mike's oncologist quickly ordered the blood tests. As soon as Mike is able we will be going to Kaiser for these tests. 

Blood test results are all that is needed for the paperwork to be complete and we will be contacted by Gerson Institute in 2-5 days. Until then I will do my best to follow the books and online information.

He had a very painful night last night; he had severe pain on his right side and right shoulder.  The onlcologist said the cancer could be growing on his liver and reaching the nerve.  We used morphine, norco and ice to get him through. Please pray for him.

I am also in the process of having all of his records sent to a Loma Linda oncologist for another opinion and possibly other treatment recommendations.

Thank you to all of you who brought us food. We would like to ask at this time there are no more food deliveries as we will both be doing this diet.

I am doing well and trying to stay strong for him.  My lowest points are when he's in pain. It is so very hard to watch and be helpless to stop it.  Last night I had a dream Mother Mary was praying for Mike; this has brought me great comfort today.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, God Bless you all.

Second Oncology Visit

It was nice to have the strength in numbers; Little Mama and Tessa went with us to Mitt's oncology appointment. The doctor confirmed stomach/esophageal cancer metastasis to liver and still believes chemo is the best option. 

We will be getting a second opinion as soon as we get his medical records.  We would like to see if there are other treatment recommendations.  If Mike decides to go with chemo it will take about a week to get started; he would have 2 or 3 sessions before they could tell if it's helping him. The diagnosis is 6-9 months to live without chemo and three more months with chemo.

We have been making healthy shakes with our Vitamix for over a year.  In addition we are starting Gerson Therapy. Tessa and I went to Costco tonight and purchased a juicer and organic fruits and vegetables. I'm joining Mitt on the Gerson Diet.

Tonight I am exhausted and must close.  Thank you for your continued prayers.

Thank you Jelly Belly

How do you thank someone who goes so far above and beyond that it leaves you speechless? The support from Herm and the family at Jelly Belly has overwhelmed us to tears. The entire Jelly Belly family has shown us so much love.  A simple thank you is not adequate to express our heartfelt gratitude.

Mike has always loved being a part of the wonderful Jelly Belly family. I remember how he would come home from traveling and share with me the experiences with people he met.  They would always just light up and tell him how they love Jelly Belly and they would all be sure to share what was their own personal favorite.  He said he had never seen anything like it; the joy he was met with from strangers just seeing the Jelly Belly logo on his shirt. He would tell me "Everyone loves Jelly Belly and I absolutely love the response to our product."

I think it's the family's love, I think it's in every bean. 

Thank you, Herm and the entire Rowland family for being so compassionate to our family during this difficult time. We are forever grateful and in awe of your generousity.

Everyone is asking what they can do to help us; thank you all. We would like to ask you for two things; one keep Mike in your prayers and two please buy some Jelly Belly's. Then be sure to share your favorite with someone you love.

The Serenity Prayer

Last night I went to sleep repeating the short version of The Serenity Prayer...

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

If I say this prayer to myself enough times can I let go of the one little question that haunts me?  Can I escape what I so badly want to stop asking, can I be free from asking..."Why?"

To me asking why feels like I am in doubt, weak and unprepared. I've always been a person who says; "if it's meant to be it will be" or "if it's meant to be it's up to me".

I've always accepted what life dealt me, I did the best I could, I gave thanks for the good and in my maturity, I also gave thanks for the things in my life we would label "bad" as those challenges also brought the gift of growth and understanding.

But now my little "if it's meant to be it will be" no longer brings me comfort; as the flip side of that coin is unspeakable and unbearable to me. I've had my strong moments; the light shiny, this is meant to be just the way it is moments, the it is all God's plan, we signed up for this moments and I will understand someday before God in heaven when all will be revealed.

But then I hug my husband and I feel someone else...where is my Mitt? Who's body is this?  When I see Mike from a distance when I take in the big picture of him, my heart breaks and I scream inside. Who I see from a distance is someone else, a smaller version of himself but unbelievable to me. It shocks me to my core every time. What this disease has taken from him is already too much.  It's very noticeable to me and those close to him. He was 6' 2" and weighed 240, he now weighs 189. Everyone that sees him says he looks so good. What is wrong with our society that we all value being thin so much?

Even when the doctor told him he had stomach/esophageal cancer, the doctor added but you look good, you're healthy. WHAT!!!? I said, he's not healthy!!! You just told him he has cancer and he's half the size used to be!!!

This has been our problem throughout this journey, every doctor that saw Mike labeled him as "you look great".  He came in with a list of symptoms and a smile. So that smile wiped it all away; they saw a slim man with a big smile and a quick laugh and they immediately decided he was healthy.

So I looked up the rest of The Serenity Prayer as I knew there was more and perhaps it would bring me peace.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. 

Amen.  - Reinhold Niebuhr

Dear God,

We would like to request a change to the records.

Please delete Mike's disease and copy & paste in good health and a long life.

Forever Yours,

Chris & Mike

(Our Oncology Appt is at 4:30 today I will post an update after the appt.)

Grateful for Love

It's been a very busy weekend for us; a weekend filled with love from many family and friends. How do we thank so many people for showing us so much love? 

I would like to thank Andy & Becky Joffer for stopping by and visiting us. It means so much to both Mike and I, words cannot express how thankful we are to be a part of the Jelly Belly family. We feel the love and prayers from so many of the "bellys" and we are very grateful.

Thank you to friends; Darcy Smith, Sandra Hymowitz and Kristie Wenzel; you have kept us well fed and we are all so impressed with your culinary skills!

Thank you to the Schoenfelder & Pinto families, your visit really gave us hope and renewed our strength. Our home was filled with even more love when your families were here; all of you are such blessings to us. Special thanks to our sister in love, Pam for all of her knowledge, research and gifts. Pam you are truly amazing and inspiring, you've faced your own journey with cancer with so much bravery and we are so grateful for you and your generous loving spirit. 

Seeing our daughter, Tessa, our son in love, Sam and our grandchildren, Lexi, 13 & Jackson 7, is always a treat for us. There were a lot of giggles as Jackson read Papa's favorite storybook "Guess How Much I Love You" and he pulled Papa's joke and read "Little Nutbrown Hare" as "Little Brown Butt Hair" : )

My heartfelt gratitude for Mike's mom, Jeanine aka "Little Mama" and his brother, Mark aka "Bromine". There are no words to express how much it means to have them with us and how much they have helped us. "Little Mama" is the sweetest mom on the planet and we are so blessed to have her in our life. "Bromine" has been a lifesaver as he fixed things around the house and entertained all of the visiting kids. Without them here these days would have been much darker for us.

The love of family and friends keeps us afloat and inspires us to be more aware of how we should give back when others are in need. Thank you all for you thoughts and prayers we are so very grateful for all of you!