Be Good to Yourself

I've tried many times to post about my Mitt's passing and could not.  With a heavy heart, I am forcing myself to post this now.  My beloved went home to heaven on July 23, 2012 at 10:11 pm.  I am not ready to write down here what I experienced watching my beloved die, it is much too painful. I cried so many tears, they were like acid on my face; it felt as if every tear was burning the skin on my eyes and cheeks. I tried several times to force myself to stop crying. Now it's two weeks later and when I cry the tears still burn and in some odd way it's quite fitting to how I feel.

Saying goodbye to my Mitt was worse than I could've imagined and I had braced myself for my broken heart to shatter. I could've screamed a million screams and it would not have satisfied my need to express the intense feeling of the betrayal of life.

I could not have prepared myself to feel the overwhelming sense of my own death. How is it that I am still here and breathing when I feel as if my life has ended. How is it that when my world is quiet I feel such an overwhelming crushing weight on my chest but yet I go on. When I'm swimming in our pool, why do I see a shadow of myself floating at the bottom and feel as if I am dead yet I am not.

Mitt told me all he wanted was for me to be happy. Our daughter, Cassie's baby shower was scheduled for the first weekend after he died. He told me no matter what he wanted me to have the shower. I agreed not knowing at the time he would leave on a Monday and the shower would be my first Saturday without him. This was just classic Mitt; it was his way of telling me not to just go on with life but to enjoy it. The days since his death are a fog for me and I feel I'm still in this fog, this shock, this unending abyss of waiting for him to come home.

Maybe someday I will find a little comfort knowing he picked his date. He was born on August 23, his dad, Paul was born on March 23. He told me just weeks before his death he really liked the number 23, so the fact that he died on July 23 is his way of telling me...he chose this.

Just a few days ago I had a dream. Mitt was trying to blow up a balloon and couldn't. He stopped trying, looked at me and said "I can't do it, you'll have to have the party without me."

This is so unreal to me; when the phone rings I still think it's him, my heart jumps and in a few fleeting seconds I feel tremendous joy thinking it's him calling. When I am away from the house I think he'll be home when I return only to have to remind myself over and over...he'll never call me again...physically he'll never come home.

I know he didn't die without teaching us all to appreciate each other and love each other more. When we think we have nothing left to give each other, we should all remember to dig deep and give more love.

I wouldn't wish this pain on any living thing; but someday you may find yourself in this place of grief I'm in. Or maybe you'll be the one going home to heaven leaving your loved ones behind.

I know what Mitt would say to you, he said it to me many times; he would say..."don't wait, be good to yourself and live your best life."

Everything changes in a day

Yesterday was a turning point for Mitt... a turn for the worst which I could never have been prepared for. The morning started out great; he made it downstairs with the help of his cane and walker. I made his eggs; he gave them the thumbs up and said they were perfect.

He made it back upstairs slowly and we went through our morning ritual. He was using the restroom and I went in to help him up. When I pulled and he tried to stand he collapsed. He tried to crawl to the bed. He couldn't make it and I couldn't lift him. I called hospice and they sent over the non emergency fire department. Three firemen came in and two of them lifted him back into bed.

I was in tears and frustrated with myself for not keeping it together. Seeing him so helpless and not being able to help him frustrated and overwhelmed me and brought me to my knees.

Hospice sent a nurse over to evaluate Mitt after his fall.  He was having such difficulty swallowing they prescribed him the morphine patch along with the liquid morphine. All other pill form meds have been stopped.

Our three daughters came over, we had an ultrasound scheduled for Cassie in the afternoon. Mitt was asleep so we all managed to go. Our little grandson, LJ was camera shy but we got a few good ultrasound pictures to share with Papa Mitt.  After the ultrasound the girls had a few friends over to surprise me for my birthday. It was my 50th and the girls invited five of my friends and surprised me, they showered me with their love. I will forever be grateful. My head was still spinning from the morning. My heart was so filled with grief that I actually felt dizzy and I felt like I was in a fog while everyone was here.

When he finally woke up last night for some broth about 10 pm he told me he wanted to get up and walk. I had to remind him what happened and we both cried. Heavily medicated, tired, sick and in pain he still managed to joke with me and Lacey, look through all my birthday cards, gifts and pictures and admire little baby, LJ in the ultrasound photos.

The whole day was a blur about 2 am I realized there had been so much activity that I had not processed the anxiety of the morning.  I have to accept that Mitt is now what hospice refers to as bed bound.  He will no longer be able to walk around the house. 

They told me he had final gifts to give and they were right. His strength and courage shine and will forever be an example for us. His illness and what it has physically taken from him will forever make us more aware and grateful for the abilities we have in this life.

As I tried to sleep last night I remembered back to a Saturday in March; we still didn't have a diagnosis but we knew.  Mitt said he wanted to go to Walnut Creek for lunch.  He called it my "birthday lunch" and said he wouldn't be able to take me in July.  He took me to Tiffany's and asked me to pick out my favorite piece of jewelry, I picked a heart bracelet.  He wanted to personalize it for me.  The lady who was helping us kept trying to get us to go into a back room.  I was crying uncontrollably as she filled out the order form just watching her write the words..."Love You Forever Mitt" it felt like such a final goodbye.  I actually can't bring myself to wear this bracelet; I put it on and become so overwhelmed with emotion.  Someday I know I will be more at peace with this and I will cherish this gift for the rest of my life.

Though my fifty birthday wasn't what I thought it would be. I feel so very grateful that Mitt is still here with me. I feel blessed, loved and comforted by family and friends. Thank you all.

Downhill

I haven't been able to bring myself to post. There's no way for me to update this blog without totally breaking down.

Mitt is declining, he's lost more weight, he's very weak. He's been having trouble swallowing. He's in pain. Today his doctor increased his morphine to 100 mg every morning and night. He has a rash on his trunk and thighs, it's purple. His ankles and feet are badly swollen. His hands are extremely white. His body is failing, he can barely make it up the stairs and in and out of bed.

Please pray for his comfort and for my strength. I feel like I'm dying with him.

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and love.

Mitten to Mitten

I met with Erin the hospice counselor for a couple of hours today. I'm trying to stay strong. The things that helped me before are no longer working. I'm not sleeping well, I am so exhausted, I'm very emotional and I dearly miss our old life. Mitt is sleeping a lot more with the increase in morphine.  Sometimes I find comfort in the memories of us in happier times.  Today I found this poem; I wrote it for him nine years ago on Valentine's Day.

"Mitten to Mitten"

This is the life we chose to share

 always trying to take great care

 of what became of you and me

 when we formed the ultimate "we".

We always thank our God above

 for sending the other for us to love

 and as our lives grow and change

 we realize we wouldn't rearrange.

Our life together would simply be

 the only way that we could see

 through the happy times and tears

 as we grow older from year to year.

 Tho' we cannot help but ponder

as we find we're growing fonder;

 how is it that we're still smitten

 with all our love, mitten to mitten?

From Your Wife with Love

Valentine's Day 2003

Relay for Life

This past Saturday was the Relay for Life in Vacaville. Our friend, Sandra aka Sparkle was the Team captain for a girls group she is the organizer of; SWAG (Sassy Women Always Game).

Sixteen ladies from the group joined Sparkle to form Team SWAG. Together they raised $7300.00! Sparkle herself walked 24 miles. She lost her sister in law to breast cancer. Our friend, Kristie walked 22 miles; she lost her dad to brain cancer when she was just 21 years old. The ladies put up with the dusty, cold conditions for a full 24 hours; they gave up time with their loved ones for a cause they believe in.

I am so proud of them and so very grateful for them and their sacrifice.

I had a very hard time going to the event. Talking with my sister, Carol helped and right after we chatted a card came from her in the mail and it also gave me strength. Mike was having a hard day, he was noticeably weaker. Going up the stairs is becoming harder for him. The steroids he is on are helping him to be able to eat more but he is not gaining weight or strength. Seeing him struggle is always difficult but Saturday it crushed me.

I forced myself to go to the Relay and I walked a few laps with my fellow Swaggies. It was very overwhelming; the "In Memory of" tributes were everywhere. I couldn't stop my tears or the thoughts that soon there would be one for my Mitt. Even typing it now...it is so very painful to admit; it makes me feel like I'm being crushed and I can't breathe.

I tried to post here on Saturday and on Sunday but I could not bring myself to post. Sometimes posting here feels therapeutic and sometimes it feels like I'm going to break. This blog can bring me comfort at times and at others it's a pressure and a reminder of our nightmare.

Mitt is getting weaker and I feel I am too. To say I feel lonely and alone is an understatement. Even surrounded by the love and support of friends and family, I dearly miss him...I miss us, I miss our lives, I miss our love, I miss it all...and he's still here! I know I am so blessed to still be able to hug and kiss and squeeze him. It hurts me so much now, I can't even imagine the pain of my life without him.

Time

Time is an odd thing...sometimes it seems to be on our side and sometimes it seems to be against us. These days, time puts me in an awkward place...I want more time with Mitt and he wants to go. He says his quality of life is so diminished he is ready.

What can I say to this...besides I understand? I do understand with my limited capacity of what he's going through. Although I am a witness to his suffering, I am not experiencing it as he is. I am with him at 4 am when he is awake and has the dry heaves. I am with him every step of the pain management; trying to keep track of and figure out which drugs work and which drugs make it worse. I have been with him every step of this disease which has devastated both of us. But this is his experience and I am just his willing caregiver and his unwilling witness.

I can't wish for more time when he wants so badly to be free of his pain. I try to align my thoughts with his. Sometimes I hear his prayers, they are for God to take him now. My heart breaks a little more each day as I try my best to not break down and scream at the world. Inside my screams are always the same... NO NO NO...does it change it? no, does it help me? not really, does it even matter? I don't know. If on some spiritual level this experience is meant or designed to break me, it has. Adding time to the pain and suffering changes it...it is more painful, more dreadful and more devastating because with time, it begins to feel endless.

I don't want this for my Mitt. I continue to pray for him not to suffer. His time...it's precious and it's limited. This is true for all of us though; none of us know when our time will be up. These thoughts are on my heart; what can I do with our limited time and how do I make sense of this senseless suffering?

Happy Papa's Day

Happy Father's Day to Papa Mitt, my Dad Vern, PJ in heaven and all the dads we know. On this day I'm very grateful for the sacrifices of our fathers and for all of the sacrifices Mitt made when he married us. He went from being a bachelor to an instant family. Now that the kids are grown and I've had the experience of a very peaceful home, I can appreciate more the extreme life change he went through.

Imagine an instant family and adding four young kids to your life. Not only did Mitt take us all on, he did so with a heart full of love. He was up for the challenge and shared his values and life experiences with all of us. He helped to make our kids who they are today and he made me a better parent and a better person along the way. Mitt has always amazed me with his integrity and his character. He is truly the best.

Happy Father's Day to my Mitt, my Papa, my friend. I love you.

Celebration of Love

I am so incredibly proud of my Mitt. We made it to the wedding and he did great. I know he didn't feel good but he was still classic Mike. He smiled, laughed, chatted, hugged and throughly enjoyed Lacey and Brendan's celebration of love.

The wedding was in Napa at 7 pm which was great since it was 100 degrees here and it was an outdoor wedding. We arrived at 6:30 for pictures and Mitt did great on the drive. He did rely on the norco and had to take it every 2 hours to get through but he made it. We both loved the fish tacos they served and we danced a sweet dance together and left for home about 9:30.

I was determined not to think about anything except the celebration and I didn't even cry. I surprised myself as in the weeks leading up to the wedding all I did was cry whenever I thought about it. My thought process would start taking over and I would be sad about all the things Mitt will miss and how much we will all miss him being in our lives.

I've been trying to meditate more and I realized in prayer and meditation that when my mind does this I am really missing out on the now. I vowed to do my best to stay in the moment and enjoy (be in joy) with my Mitt.

I've been so devastated for months I really don't want his last months with me to be filled with sadness. I know we will always have the sadness and when he is suffering I will suffer with him. Thankfully there will also be moments that the pain is manageable and we can share a laugh and when those moments are here I don't want my mind on the "if and when" I want to be fully present with my Mitt in our moment of laughter.

Yesterday was a big day for us, we gained a son. Welcome to the family Brendan. Lacey, I am so proud of you; you were such a beautiful bride and picked such a great guy. I know you two will create a very happy life.

It was very healing to see all the smiles, hear the laughter and to feel the love of two families and their friends. It was a true "Celebration of Love". We are all so blessed.

Pain Management

Mitt has been having a difficult time with pain. The oncologist changed his meds again. He is now taking 5 morphine every 12 hours, 2 Norco every 2-3 hours as needed for break thru pain, prilosec 2 times a day for heartburn and she prescribed a new drug, Dexamethasone which is a corticosteroid, he supposed to take it twice a day.

He vomits several times a day and sometimes during the night. So we don't really know how much of the medicine actually gets into his system. He also has 3 other drugs for nausea and vomiting. He's really sick and tired of all the meds. I really wish they could do more for his comfort.

He is stressed about Lacey's wedding this weekend and at this point I'm really not sure if he'll make it. The ceremony is at 7 pm which is late for him. He has such highs and lows during the day, it's really hard to guess how he will feel. So we will just see how he's doing; if he feels he can make it that's great, if not that's okay too. I keep telling him this but I can tell he feels bad about being so sick.

Today my dad, Vern turns 80! All of my family will gather in SD to celebrate his milestone birthday this weekend. Mike and I will be there in spirit. My dad is an inspiration to me everyday. When we called to sing him Happy Birthday he was outside building a new deck. He's the hardest working 80 year old I know. Love you Dad!

Again, I want to thank every one of you for your love, thoughts, prayers, cards and emails, each one is special to both of us. Please continue praying for Mike to have no suffering. Thank you.

How Mike became Mitt

People have been asking me why I call Mike, "Mitt".  Shortly after we were married in 1994 our daughter Lacey was turning 14 and I didn't know what to get her for her birthday.  For those of you who don't know Lacey, she's super sweet and she's never, ever been a material girl.  So for this teenager, a trip to the mall just wasn't the answer.  After much thought I decided to go to the pound and get her a kitten.

We already had a cat; a big, beautiful, brown cat named Roscoe.  Mike loved Roscoe but he wasn't thrilled about adding another cat to our busy household.  In my newlywed wisdom ; ) I decided it would be okay. I thought with Mike's big heart he would fall in love with this kitten in no time and lucky for me and the kitten, he did.

We named the kitten "Kiwi Mittenhead" and soon Mike & Kiwi were best buds and always snuggling.  Seeing them together I started calling Mike, Mittenhead after the kitten; I would see them and say, "Hi Kiwi & Mittenhead".  Then Mike became Mitten, eventually he started calling me "Mitten" too and soon every card and note we exchanged was signed to and from Mitten.

Through the years we both became just Mitt.  Though he's the only one who calls me Mitt; friends and family do refer to Mike as "Mitt" and we are both referred to as The Mittens, The Mitts and The Mittsters. 

This is our own special endearment to each other and it's really been the perfect nickname for us since "Mittens" are always pairs.  ; )  I never thought a silly nickname would become so heartwarming to me.  I dearly love how every time I see or hear the name Mitt, my heart smiles.

Unthinkable

I never know what will be the trigger to my meltdown or when it will happen but yesterday was one of the worst.

It started with me just going through random pics on my phone when I saw one of Mitt and I that was taken in January and I lost it. He looked so healthy and I was remembering how happy we were that night. It was January 2, and we were going to dinner with friends we both love, Jodie and Sandra, for their wedding anniversary.

I was so excited to celebrate with them it wasn't until the next day that I realized it was also our 19th anniversary of the night we met and the 9th anniversary of my business, Welcome Baby. We had a great night but it was bittersweet because I knew...I knew Mitt didn't feel good and even though he laughed and smiled all night, I could tell he really wasn't himself.

To see the photo of us just 5 short months ago and to see his appearance compared to his appearance now overwhelms me. It feels like a crushing pressure in my chest, it body slams me, this new unwelcome reality...my love is dying...shock, grief and disbelief, yet this photo is proof. "SEE" it seems to shout at me, "SEE" look at the truth, here it is, here is proof.

I cried most of my morning, I cried myself back to sleep in the mid morning and woke up feeling like someone had beaten me while I slept. My entire body hurt, I told Mike; today I'm a car, my body's in park, my heart is broken and my brain is totaled.

Later in the afternoon my friend, Kristie came over to run a few errands with me. This meant so much to me. She stayed and helped with dinner and both Mike and I enjoyed her company. I don't know how my day would have played out without her, but having her here stopped my flood of tears and really comforted me. Thank you Kristie.

This morning started out much the same way, with reality slapping me...I woke up and was facing Mike's hospital bed. I had a very clear view of him in it. He was sleeping with his new mouthguard in, because the morphine makes him bite his lip. He is now skin and bones and weighs maybe 155. I thought; there he is, there's my Mitt, there's the love of my life and he is sleeping in this hospital bed and he's dying. I immediately started my day in tears.

How do I accept this...how do I accept something so unthinkable to me?

2 Caregivers named Chris

Mitt's new hospice nurse is named Chris. We really like her. Thank you Kaiser Hospice for having someone like Chris on your team.

When we first meet Chris, road wife Jon was here and we all enjoyed a good chat. After a lengthy discussion on Mike's pain, she recommended 4 morphine every 12 hours so he could try to avoid taking the norco. She also told him to try the Ativan to help him sleep. The Ativan caused severe, painful heartburn which kept him awake. He won't continue taking it.

Nurse Chris called this morning and we had a chat about Mike. About an hour later I called her back because he was vomiting. She went over all his meds; he has three different nausea meds and we discussed best times to take them. She makes us feel better, she listens and she offers suggestions. It is very comforting to know she's the real deal. She comes across as one of the most caring and genuine medical professional I have ever met.

She really does live up to our name. ;)

My Poetic Picture

This morning my heart took a picture, I wish I could post it for you all to see.

I was downstairs and Mitt called out to me. I went upstairs and crawled into his hospital bed with him. As I was enjoying the moment of snuggling next to him; he fell back to sleep and I was listening to him breathe. I turned to take in his profile and noticed his face was directly under a large wedding photo of us. In the photo we are kissing and our son Rusty is just a little boy; and he's peeking at us as we share our first kiss as husband and wife.

Our wedding photo is matted in white with a silver frame and the hospital bed has silver rails. So the mental picture I took was; Mike's profile on a white sheet, against the silver bed rails, right above him was the silver frame with the white mat, with the photo of us kissing and Rusty peeking and I thought...this is poetic.

I took a picture of that very moment...I will keep it forever in my heart.

Letting Go

I feel the need to clear the air on the issue of me letting Mike go. After my last blog post titled "Changes" I closed with... "he is asking me to let him go...daily he asks me. I'm not sure I can."

I've been sent emails, private messages and text messages regarding that statement.  Some of them cheer me on, others offer advice or even scold me in some way.  Please people, let me express my grief, my way. This is my process.  I need to go through this with my own thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  To reassure those of you who feel I am controlling Mike's death, please think again. I have NOT controlled him in his life nor will I in his death.

This is his journey not mine.  I could hire a sky plane to write out in the sky "MIKE WATRATZ, YOUR LOVING WIFE RELEASES YOU... YOU ARE NOW FREE TO MOVE ABOUT THE UNIVERSE!" He will still go when he wants to go not when I say it's okay.

So I would like to address all the responses. Yes I love myself, NO I am not suicidal NOR do I have a death wish of my own and YES I have told him he can go... many, many times.

Like the grief counselor said; grief is like a bouncing ball some days we are up and some days we are down.

I understand he wants to go, I accept he wants to go and I realize he will be going.  I will not call 911, I will not push him to treatments that he does not want nor will I hold anger against him that he did not do more to stay.  I have treated him in his illness the same way I have treated him our entire marriage.  I have loved him, respected him, cared for him and trusted him to do what is best for him.

So please don't jump to your conclusions that I have some power over him.  If I truly had the power to keep him here I would heal him and keep him here healthy, not keep him here suffering. This is his journey I want it to be his journey.  I am on my own journey, please allow me to have MY journey. 

If I am down and out don't worry, I won't stay there.  I am the daughter of two very strong and very loving people.  They buried one of their babies and with broken hearts filled the rest of us with all of their love.  My entire life, their lives have been a great example to me.  I know how to get up, brush myself off and do what I need to do.

What did the comment mean..."he is asking me to let him go...daily he asks me. I'm not sure I can."
It meant, one moment I let him go and the next moment I gasp for air and grap him back.  That's the process...as much as I say it and feel it and try to allow it...until he actually goes I will hold onto him.  Wouldn't you?

Changes

Many things are changing here. The bed was delivered so our master bedroom changed. We spoke with his nurse, Chris on the phone and they changed his meds again...so last night was a big adjustment.

Mitt slept in the hospital bed which was more comfortable for him to position his body. I missed him in our bed. They increased his morphine to 4 every 12 hours. He talked in his sleep all night. This morning he was confused no doubt from the morphine; he asked if his cigarette was out and he doesn't smoke. He told me Helen knew how to adjust the bed and we don't know someone named Helen. Hospice said it takes 3 days for his body to adjust to the new dose of morphine. They decided to increase his dose as he was still having too much pain. Of course I don't want him in pain but it's sad to have him so confused, it's like losing a bit more of him everyday.

The hospital bed has one of those air mattress pads that helps with bedsores so the vibration from the motor is a constant reminder. I'm downstairs and I can hear the motor from here, it sounds like something vibrating on the ceiling. The sound and feeling reminds me of the little vibrating bouncy seat they make for babies.

We also had a counseling session with Erin. She told me I need to change my thought process as I'm choosing to stay in the past to include him in my current life. She said I'm setting myself up for failure. I have been in denial, to comfort myself I think about things like; what Mitt and I will be doing in the future. In my mind I've been making imaginary plans. I started doing this because it helped me sleep but now it's become a habit. I need to stop. I didn't do this last night so one day at a time, or in my case...night, as nights are harder.

She also told me I need to get out of the house. That's harder for me, I don't want to leave Mitt here and I'm a homebody. I've had a home based business for 9 years; home for me is work, play, relaxation and the gym. But more than anything else, Mitt is home I want to be here with him. I know she's trying to help me stay sane and strong in this and I told her I would try and I will. Every hospice person turns their attention to me and tells me I have to get out of the house. I'm sure they see first hand the toll this takes on the spouse and getting out is a break from the sadness and the pressure.

It seems to me they are advising me to start now in creating my new beginning; to have two parallel lives going at the same time. One with Mitt where I continue to care for him and one that's just me. So when Mitt leaves this world, I'll be ready, because I will already be started in a new life without him. Then the two lives I have created will once again be one life...I'll step out of my life with him and have both feet in my new life alone. It sounds easier said than done, a foot in each life isn't appealing to me...I want to give 100% of myself to him. The only life I want, is a life that includes him.

He is asking me to let him go...daily he asks me. I'm not sure I can.

Happy Years

Today is our 18th Wedding Anniversary. We've been together 19 1/2 happy years. We always say we knew; for both of us it was love at first sight. From the first moments I spent with Mitt, I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life.

We have enjoyed a quiet day together. This morning Rusty went home but first he hung up a heavy mirror for me and he made the final moves of furniture for the hospital bed which should be delivered tomorrow. We both miss Rusty, TN is just too far away. We are happy we will see him again in 2 weeks for Lacey's wedding.

We had a great weekend, Tessa spent Saturday night with us and we decided at about 8:00 at night to throw Lacey and Brendan a Surprise Engagement Party the next day. Tessa and I loved rushing to decorate and making personalized buttons. Mike and I really enjoyed our time with Tessa. Papa joked that we should go get tattoos that would read; "Mama", "Little Mama" and "Big Papa", he said they should all be on our backs. :)

As I reflect on my years with Mitt I am overwhelmed with gratitude. He makes me so happy just being him. He has always been quick to laugh and so easy to love. This anniversary has a much deeper meaning for me. When the one you love has been given months to live you realize just how important every moment is. Truly it is up to each of us to make our moments meaningful. The appreciation we have for those we love and for the love we are given blesses us. Don't take the love in your life for granted; cherish it and each other.

Wishing you many healthy years of love. xoxo

Our weekend

We got quite a surprise Friday morning; we woke up and found son, Rusty home from TN! He was here in March for Cassie's gender reveal party so it was unexpected and so good to see him! We miss Keli and Anessa as they stayed home. This will be a quick trip for him as he will return to TN on Monday.

Rusty's visit had an unexpected impact on Mike, it made him feel better. :) Normally Mitt starts his morning throwing up and he didn't vomit the whole day. I could see his happiness that Rusty was here and his voice was happier too. Rusty went to Santa Rosa to spend the night with Tessa's family and Lacey and Brendan left for Redding. So we were alone for the evening.

Last night Mitt and I decided to go for a swim. The moon was beautiful, the water was warm and Mitt was amazing, he actually swam. The pool water takes pressure off his body and gives him relief, in the water he is almost his old self. It was a magical night seeing him happy and smiling and the moonlight on the water. I know I'll always cherish this memory.

We will be making more sweet memories as all four of our kids will be here on Sunday and we are so happy to be having a bit of unexpected family time! We really miss Keli and Nene so we will call them with FaceTime or Skype so we can share a little family love with our two, sweet TN girls.

Thursday the doctor changed Mitt's meds; he is now taking 3 morphine and 2 norco every 12 hours with 2 norco every 2 hours for break thru pain. It seems to have really helped take the edge off and I'm so grateful the meds seem to be managing his pain. They've assigned Mitt a new hospice nurse, her name is Chris...hmmmm I really hope she can live up to the name. ;) We will meet her next week and get the hospital bed. Erin our grief counselor will also be coming to talk with us.

Many thanks for your thoughts and prayers; especially for all the prayers for pain relief. Two good things happened...the medicine is working and the love is too!

I hope you have a wonderful weekend... I am really looking forward to ours. :)

Gratitude

When Mitt first was diagnosed I remember I thought it was unfair. I reasoned in my head that I had always appreciated him and gave thanks for him. So why would the Lord take away something so precious to me that I was so very grateful for?

A couple of days ago, friends Scott and Cecelia sent us a letter and sent me the book, "Dream New Dreams" By Jai Pausch (the wife of professor Randy Pausch who wrote "The Last Lecture".) I read the book in two days, some of it I read aloud to Mitt.  Thank you Scott and Cecelia we greatly appreciate the love you've shown Mitt and I.

After reading the book I realized I had taken Mike for granted. Not in the here and now but in the dreams of my future with him. I really thought without a doubt we would grow old together; that we would always be the Mittens, the Mitts, the Mittsters...this was us. Never once did it dawn on me that my future might possibly not include him.

The book addresses the plight of the caregiver and it was healing for me to read it. I also came away a little frightened of what lies ahead; as she describes how painful it was when her husband actually died. As much as I can try to brace myself for this new unthinkable reality...of my Mitt no longer being here. I know his absence will actually be much worse than I can even imagine.

Right now at this very minute, Thursday May 31, 2012 at 1:28 pm I am grateful I can hug him, kiss him, squeeze him, massage him, laugh with him or fix him something to eat. Right now I can share my moments with him. Right now my life is happier and filled with love because we're together, sharing this life.

In our near future, God will call him home and I will be here ALONE. He will be on a business trip he will never return from. I never thought in a million years this would be my future. A future without him...

"Dream New Dreams" even the title makes me cry. I know I'll never be ready to see him go.

Prayer Request

Last night was the roughest we've had since Mitt had internal bleeding. He was still in pain after taking 2 Norco and 2 Morphine.

I wanted to call hospice but he did not want me to, so I didn't. Hospice told me to allow him to be in charge of his care as long as he's able.

It started early, all he wanted was a little bit of potato for dinner he ate very little and almost immediately threw it up. He had pain in his stomach and he was exhausted. Usually a coffee break will relieve some pressure and pain but it didn't help much.

Around midnight he was violently vomiting. When he finally fell asleep he thrashed around in the bed. He was in such pain and I couldn't help him and I laid there beside him, held his arm and cried. Sometime in the middle of the night he said "Mitt, I'll always be thinking of you". I told him I would always be thinking of him too. (for those of you who don't know, we call each other Mitt.)

Mike needs your prayers more than ever. Please pray specifically for no pain and suffering.

Mitt and I would like to thank Tessa, Lacey, Brendan and our neighbor, Jim for moving the furniture and the elliptical to accommodate the hospital bed. Your time and muscle is greatly appreciated.

We have not yet contacted hospice for the bed. Mitt will decide when he's ready for it. 

He is doing much better now and it's time for me to make his soup. Thank you Pam for the Gerson soup recipe we eat it everyday.  Thank you to everyone for your thoughts and prayers.  Love to you all.

The next step

Mitt was awake during the night vomiting. So we had a restless night. He's sleeping more during the day but his sleep is often interrupted by dreams, hallucinations or nausea & vomiting. I wish I could do more for him. He can only sleep on his back so he is getting sore.

Hospice talked with us about bringing in the hospital bed now, so he can change sleep positions and be more comfortable and they said it would also help him get in and out of bed. He said he wants the bed in the master bedroom so today we will be rearranging furniture to make room.

I think it will help him physically but may hurt him mentally...I don't know if either of us are ready to accept the sight of a hospital bed; it's just a bed but it makes a statement on it's own.

Hospice and the hospital bed seem to go together...they feel like the beginning of the final chapter. Even though we both know it's best for him physically; we've talked about it and we both agree we aren't really ready mentally.

Either way we need to prepare, we need to make space and allow in what needs to happen. Resisting this next step will only make this part of our journey tougher. We don't need tougher, we need to stay focused on his comfort and let go.

I love Mitt with all my heart and I will do everything in my power to make his time here as upbeat and as happy as I can. The very best gift he has given me was pure happiness.  He shared his happy times with me, allowed me to have my own and together we created many laughs and happy times.

So maybe if we just change the way we view the hospital bed, we will be fine.  After all... isn't it really just a high tech sleeping recliner.

Where

Where is my Mitt?

Where is my love, my friend, my favorite companion?
Where is the man I knew, where has he gone?
Why am I here alone and waiting... FOR death.
Who designed this, who chose this, who is responsible?
What do I do next, what will I feel?

anger, sadness, complete and total grief

Grief Counseling

I had my first counseling session with Erin from hospice. She really helped me and I feel much better.

A few things she said that helped:
It's okay to still be an optimist even if it's just focusing my hope on something like...I hope he doesn't suffer.

She asked what brought me the most comfort. I told her it's my spirituality and my belief that Mitt and I will always be connected; she reminded me to go to that place and those thoughts when I feel overwhelmed with sadness.

She advised me to sit down with Mitt and go over everything financial to show him I can handle it and I will be okay. Even though we've had many finance talks, I think this was great advice because Mike has always been so financially focused and I have not. So I'm sure he will appreciate my efforts in one more very detailed financial talk.

She recommended I keep a journal to help me get my emotions out and because reading back over my thoughts and feelings can be healing. This just happened to me; two days ago I found something I wrote last year after Mike's dad, Paul passed away and it brings me tremendous comfort now.

Another thing she mentioned was that it was really important for young children to receive grief counseling because they don't have the tools to process their grief. She said she is available for all of our family or friends who feel they need to talk to someone.

There are many grief counseling groups available and I'm sure I'll be going to a few of them. I can also call Erin anytime I want to and that's comforting to know.

Oh yeah and she even answered my big question of "Why?" I actually in some odd way liked her answer. She said; "We're not suppose to know, it's supposed to be a mystery." I guess I liked her answer because I believe some things are for us to discover later and the best thing we can do is just trust God and ourselves, while we allow and accept the way our lives unfold.

I really connected to Erin and felt very comfortable sharing with her. After asking just a few key questions I think she had us figured out. I felt blessed after my time with her and I am very grateful.

Love to you all, Chris

No Energy

Mitt has no energy today. He is feeling quite tired; he has slept almost all day and has been talking in his sleep. I wish he would quit taking the morphine. I wonder how much it's contributing to his exhaustion and confusion.  I wish I knew what to do for him. Normally he goes into his home office everyday but he didn't today. When he was awake he was quiet and even less himself.

Yesterday hospice came and registered us, it was quick and easy just a few papers to sign. Not a lot of information that we didn't already know but Traci the hospice nurse did a good job informing us.  Last night a call came in from hospice as a routine check on Mike...they asked how he was...tell them "I'm dead" he said with a smile. The nurse didn't even pause, "I'm sorry to hear that" she said "I hope he feels better". We just laughed when I hung up.

Mitt watched a movie last night it's actually the first full movie he's watched since being sick. His appetite seemed a little better yesterday but now has declined again. When he sees me excited about what I view as an improvement he tells me not to get my hopes up and tells me it doesn't mean anything.

I also have no energy; something about being the witness to suffering takes a physical and emotional toll. I had to force myself to make the coffee for his coffee breaks...it took me all day to do this simple task. Truthfully, I'm still not finished.

I'll start counseling next week and believe me I need it. What are you doing this weekend?....I'm watching my husband die and remembering how "this kind of thing" was always something that happened to other people.  I feel guilty for my anger as it sounds so bitter but my heart is very grateful to be able to be at his side; as there is no other place I would rather be.

Count your blessings and take care of your health and each other.

In love and gratitude, Chris

Hospice

I'm happy with Mitt's oncologist, every time I email her or call her she almost immediately gets back to me. Yesterday morning I emailed her and asked her to please refer us to hospice now...within about an hour a hospice nurse was calling me to schedule a visit.

We started with a hospice phone assessment, it was quite detailed and I was surprised at how many questions they asked. The nurse was shocked when I told her he weighs 163, she said in his records in April he weighed 188. He really has declined rapidly and it's not just me worrying...

A hospice nurse named Tracy will be coming over Friday morning. I wouldn't have called hospice in so soon but daughter, Tessa went to a seminar and emailed me a link to a video which was really helpful. The hospice nurse recommended calling in hospice sooner rather than later and both Mitt and I feel better about having help.

Hospice also ordered a comfort care kit for Mitt and today I will be going to Kaiser pharmacy to pick it up. I'm especially relieved to know that they will be here to help with all of his meds and his pain management. They've also assigned me a counselor I will meet with her next week.

The good news....Yesterday Jon came over to have lunch with Mike. His roadwife can always cheer him up!  Mike ate more than he has in such a very long time and he kept it all down!  I was shocked and so happy.  It was so good for me to take my friend Darcy out for her bday lunch and so great to come home and see Jon and Mike...two peas in a pod both smiling and laughing. Thanks Jon, YOU are a true friend and we are very grateful for you!

Thank you all for your continued thoughts, prayers and love. xoxo

Sadness

I can't bring myself to post. It's very difficult to express how we are managing. The days and nights seem to be filled with grief; my heart aches every time I look at my Mitt. He is dying before me and witnessing his decline in health is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. He now weighs 163 and at 6'2" tall he looks very, very thin. He still tries to make me laugh but his energy is declining. He pushes himself to be "up" for visitors which is very draining for him.

Mike's mom and brother were here for Mother's Day and just left today. Little Mama was planning on staying but after she witnessed how Mike pushed himself to be "up" for her, she decided she should go home so he would rest. This is so Mitt, always trying to make us all feel better while he is suffering. The character of my Mitt has always amazed me but through his illness I've been impressed over and over at his courage and his compassion for his family.

Every year for Mother's Day we release butterflies; we've had this tradition for 12 years now.  It was nice to be together and to have Little Mama and Brother Mark here with us.

Mother's Day morning started out very rough for Mitt and at first I didn't think he would be able to get out of bed but not only did he join us for lunch he even spent time in the pool with the grandkids. 

Papa had given Jackson a Jelly Belly pillow and Jackson drew a picture of Papa and taped it to his pillow so he can hug Papa whenever he wants to.  Jackson brought his pillow to show us and we all loved it.  After lunch, the butterfly release and swimming it was so sweet to see Papa snuggling with the grandkids.  We had a peaceful holiday and I'm very grateful.

Today I will be contacting hospice and counseling. I am so filled with sadness I'm not sure how to process this. Watching the man I love grow weaker each day is overwhelming crushing suffocating excruticating and devastating...all these feelings are why I haven't been able to post. I have no words and no way of understanding why the human condition is so inhumane.

Update

It's been so long since I've posted...we've had a very busy time.

Last weekend we celebrated and hosted a Gender Reveal Party with friends and family.

Together we found out that our 4th Grandbaby would be a boy! Congrats to Cassie and James, their little guy is due Sept. 26th. They opened a box of blue balloons and everyone bit into cupcakes to find blue filling inside.

We had a football theme with teams of pink & blue, with the 50 guests who all wore pink or blue, we really enjoyed the team spirit! It was very special for us.  All four of our kids were home and all of my siblings came to celebrate.

Mitt did incredible during this time, he managed to find the energy to visit with all of our guests. He's had an exhausting and difficult week this past week but has maintained his good nature.

I would like to thank everyone who attended the party and all the travelers especially, as we had people from TN, TX, SD, MN, KS and furthest of all NY. :)

Mike started a new treatment, DCAcancer.org, he has just started this so it's too soon to tell if it has helped. We returned all the Sunrider herbs as he couldn't keep them down.

I also want to thank you all again for the cards, emails, letters, thoughts and prayers; your support continues to uplift us.

Homeopath

Yesterday we met with Dr. Moses Goldberg, a homeopath in Napa.  He's a very compassionate & understanding doctor, he listened and he had a lot of knowledge. We both really liked the doctor so that's a big plus.

Secretly I was wishing he would tell us that this was all a big mistake and he had the "magic" pill to fix it.  What he recommends is IV's of vitamin C several times a week.  They would put a port in Mitt's arm so we could administer the IV's from home.  Dr. Goldberg said the Gerson Therapy is a good start.  He also recommends a large assortment of vitamins and herbs.  It was all very overwhelming; there's so many things he thinks we should try, it was a little bit of an overload for us.  We have a lot of information to go over and Mike will decide what he wants to do.

Mitt had a bit of a rough night last night, the drive to Napa was draining.  He took his 2 Norco and 2 Morphine as usual and it didn't quite take the edge off and he had a lot of break through pain.

Highlights this week were...Sister in love, Pam visited and spoiled us with her gifts of organic foods, Gerson goodies and her love.  Many thanks Pam, you're a living angel.
Roadwife Jon came by bearing gifts yesterday.  Thank you Jon and all!
Also Mitt's golf buddy, Mike Reid aka "Pepsi" left a care package and a note at our door last night.
Thank you "Pepsi", after the trip to Napa; Mike found your gift at the door, it means a lot to both of us.

We are so very grateful for all of the love and support.

Reality

This post is difficult for me to write.  I haven't posted for a few days because I am and always have been an optimist and I so very badly want to say... great news, Mike looks great and feels better and I am filled with hope and he is stronger everyday and every one's prayers are working and... we are living happily ever after.  I can't say those things so I haven't been able to bring myself to post.

He is still my Mitt, last night during his vomiting and his pain...he's comforting me.  Just seeing him in pain and seeing him vomit makes me feel like a coward.  He bravely faces his days and nights and I want to hide. Not from him but from the truth.  So I can pretend just so long, I can tell myself he is getting better only so long and every day reality hits hard.  I try to believe this is something we will overcome together but then I am faced with his pain and his limits and I buckle.  I fold. I cry. I scream.

When was the last time he really had a normal day, a true normal day, not just a normal lunch or a brief bit of normal but an entire day of his life the way it used to be?  The answer is months; it's been months since he has had the kind of day we all take for granted.  Do we all realize how truly blessed we are to go about our day doing the things we want to do and some of the things we don't but are still able to do? 

I feel the need to end this with light.  The good news is...the amount of love and support we feel from our family and friends overwhelms us to tears and fills our hearts and sustains us.  We will forever be grateful for all of you and your thoughts and prayers.  I have printed out every comment, email or message and have hung them up all over Mike's office.  Daily he is surrounded by all of you. 

Thank you for blessing us.

Our new normal

Our new normal are days centered around organic foods; where to find them and how to juice or prepare them.  Mitt has good moments and painful moments everyday. The days seems to be filled not so much with highs and lows but sometimes more like lows and lowers...is that too depressing?

Maybe it's different for him but that pretty much sums it up for me.  Watching my beloved suffer is not something I do well. I am a fixer, I want to make everything better. I feel lost and helpless, ashamed and ungrateful. I remind myself to give thanks for every little "good" moment and to remember the 19 years of friendship and love we have shared.

Our love, our history, our present and my hope of our future keeps me going. Sometimes he is on the same page with me, sometimes he's not.  Maybe his journey in this is not so different than mine. He is the patient I am the caretaker...I witness his pain and he witnesses mine. In my eyes he sees my love for him and my wish to remove his pain and in his eyes I see the same.

On the medical page, Mike's records have been sent to Loma Linda University and TheSecondOpinion.org
all of his latest blood results are in and our paperwork has been submitted to The Gerson Institute. Now we wait for their response and do the best each day to juice and rest.

Thank you all for your continued messages and love. God Bless you all this Easter weekend. xoxo

Hope

Thank you, Pam Schoenfelder for helping us get started with the juicing; Mike is showing a little improvement. We are forever grateful for you; for whatever this gives us, it gives us the thing we need the most...hope.

Little Mama and Bromine went home early this morning. Mike is working away in his office and I am in mine.  It is a very peaceful but productive home, I feel a little bit of back to normal.  Today our daughter Tessa turns 33! Happy Birthday Tessa, we love you!!! Wait until you see Papa again; he will look better you will notice.

Gerson Therapy

As of right now Mitt has decided not to do chemotherapy.  We are proceeding with Gerson Therapy.  I have contacted both of the Gerson centers in Hawaii and the Arizona and he does not qualify for treatment due to the extensive spread of his disease.  Their treatment includes the use of niacin which dilates blood vessels and this could be dangerous for him.  He will be on a revised home version of the diet which includes only organic fruits and vegetables.

We are applying for the Gerson Therapy in home non-medical coaching program.  They have requested blood work and Mike's oncologist quickly ordered the blood tests. As soon as Mike is able we will be going to Kaiser for these tests. 

Blood test results are all that is needed for the paperwork to be complete and we will be contacted by Gerson Institute in 2-5 days. Until then I will do my best to follow the books and online information.

He had a very painful night last night; he had severe pain on his right side and right shoulder.  The onlcologist said the cancer could be growing on his liver and reaching the nerve.  We used morphine, norco and ice to get him through. Please pray for him.

I am also in the process of having all of his records sent to a Loma Linda oncologist for another opinion and possibly other treatment recommendations.

Thank you to all of you who brought us food. We would like to ask at this time there are no more food deliveries as we will both be doing this diet.

I am doing well and trying to stay strong for him.  My lowest points are when he's in pain. It is so very hard to watch and be helpless to stop it.  Last night I had a dream Mother Mary was praying for Mike; this has brought me great comfort today.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, God Bless you all.

Second Oncology Visit

It was nice to have the strength in numbers; Little Mama and Tessa went with us to Mitt's oncology appointment. The doctor confirmed stomach/esophageal cancer metastasis to liver and still believes chemo is the best option. 

We will be getting a second opinion as soon as we get his medical records.  We would like to see if there are other treatment recommendations.  If Mike decides to go with chemo it will take about a week to get started; he would have 2 or 3 sessions before they could tell if it's helping him. The diagnosis is 6-9 months to live without chemo and three more months with chemo.

We have been making healthy shakes with our Vitamix for over a year.  In addition we are starting Gerson Therapy. Tessa and I went to Costco tonight and purchased a juicer and organic fruits and vegetables. I'm joining Mitt on the Gerson Diet.

Tonight I am exhausted and must close.  Thank you for your continued prayers.

Thank you Jelly Belly

How do you thank someone who goes so far above and beyond that it leaves you speechless? The support from Herm and the family at Jelly Belly has overwhelmed us to tears. The entire Jelly Belly family has shown us so much love.  A simple thank you is not adequate to express our heartfelt gratitude.

Mike has always loved being a part of the wonderful Jelly Belly family. I remember how he would come home from traveling and share with me the experiences with people he met.  They would always just light up and tell him how they love Jelly Belly and they would all be sure to share what was their own personal favorite.  He said he had never seen anything like it; the joy he was met with from strangers just seeing the Jelly Belly logo on his shirt. He would tell me "Everyone loves Jelly Belly and I absolutely love the response to our product."

I think it's the family's love, I think it's in every bean. 

Thank you, Herm and the entire Rowland family for being so compassionate to our family during this difficult time. We are forever grateful and in awe of your generousity.

Everyone is asking what they can do to help us; thank you all. We would like to ask you for two things; one keep Mike in your prayers and two please buy some Jelly Belly's. Then be sure to share your favorite with someone you love.

The Serenity Prayer

Last night I went to sleep repeating the short version of The Serenity Prayer...

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

If I say this prayer to myself enough times can I let go of the one little question that haunts me?  Can I escape what I so badly want to stop asking, can I be free from asking..."Why?"

To me asking why feels like I am in doubt, weak and unprepared. I've always been a person who says; "if it's meant to be it will be" or "if it's meant to be it's up to me".

I've always accepted what life dealt me, I did the best I could, I gave thanks for the good and in my maturity, I also gave thanks for the things in my life we would label "bad" as those challenges also brought the gift of growth and understanding.

But now my little "if it's meant to be it will be" no longer brings me comfort; as the flip side of that coin is unspeakable and unbearable to me. I've had my strong moments; the light shiny, this is meant to be just the way it is moments, the it is all God's plan, we signed up for this moments and I will understand someday before God in heaven when all will be revealed.

But then I hug my husband and I feel someone else...where is my Mitt? Who's body is this?  When I see Mike from a distance when I take in the big picture of him, my heart breaks and I scream inside. Who I see from a distance is someone else, a smaller version of himself but unbelievable to me. It shocks me to my core every time. What this disease has taken from him is already too much.  It's very noticeable to me and those close to him. He was 6' 2" and weighed 240, he now weighs 189. Everyone that sees him says he looks so good. What is wrong with our society that we all value being thin so much?

Even when the doctor told him he had stomach/esophageal cancer, the doctor added but you look good, you're healthy. WHAT!!!? I said, he's not healthy!!! You just told him he has cancer and he's half the size used to be!!!

This has been our problem throughout this journey, every doctor that saw Mike labeled him as "you look great".  He came in with a list of symptoms and a smile. So that smile wiped it all away; they saw a slim man with a big smile and a quick laugh and they immediately decided he was healthy.

So I looked up the rest of The Serenity Prayer as I knew there was more and perhaps it would bring me peace.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. 

Amen.  - Reinhold Niebuhr

Dear God,

We would like to request a change to the records.

Please delete Mike's disease and copy & paste in good health and a long life.

Forever Yours,

Chris & Mike

(Our Oncology Appt is at 4:30 today I will post an update after the appt.)

Grateful for Love

It's been a very busy weekend for us; a weekend filled with love from many family and friends. How do we thank so many people for showing us so much love? 

I would like to thank Andy & Becky Joffer for stopping by and visiting us. It means so much to both Mike and I, words cannot express how thankful we are to be a part of the Jelly Belly family. We feel the love and prayers from so many of the "bellys" and we are very grateful.

Thank you to friends; Darcy Smith, Sandra Hymowitz and Kristie Wenzel; you have kept us well fed and we are all so impressed with your culinary skills!

Thank you to the Schoenfelder & Pinto families, your visit really gave us hope and renewed our strength. Our home was filled with even more love when your families were here; all of you are such blessings to us. Special thanks to our sister in love, Pam for all of her knowledge, research and gifts. Pam you are truly amazing and inspiring, you've faced your own journey with cancer with so much bravery and we are so grateful for you and your generous loving spirit. 

Seeing our daughter, Tessa, our son in love, Sam and our grandchildren, Lexi, 13 & Jackson 7, is always a treat for us. There were a lot of giggles as Jackson read Papa's favorite storybook "Guess How Much I Love You" and he pulled Papa's joke and read "Little Nutbrown Hare" as "Little Brown Butt Hair" : )

My heartfelt gratitude for Mike's mom, Jeanine aka "Little Mama" and his brother, Mark aka "Bromine". There are no words to express how much it means to have them with us and how much they have helped us. "Little Mama" is the sweetest mom on the planet and we are so blessed to have her in our life. "Bromine" has been a lifesaver as he fixed things around the house and entertained all of the visiting kids. Without them here these days would have been much darker for us.

The love of family and friends keeps us afloat and inspires us to be more aware of how we should give back when others are in need. Thank you all for you thoughts and prayers we are so very grateful for all of you!

A normal lunch

Mike went out to lunch with his roadwife, Jon. ; ) The first normal feeling day we've had in a month. I am so very grateful, thank you Jon Alden you're the BEST!  Mike and I are both so blessed to have you in our lives.

What is

When Mike first started having pain and before we knew what the cause was, I comforted myself by constantly repeating "focus on what is, not what if's".  What is...he's here, he's okay, he's still smiling and still laughing, he's just uncomfortable but he's okay. Then as we received information the "what is" changed but I still managed to keep the "what if's' at bay. Now I don't want to face the "what is"...I want to turn back the clock to a time when Mike had his health and I'll say "why don't you get a scan" and he will, because that's him.  He has always been the most health conscious person I've ever met.  So he will have the scan and they will see a seed of cancer and they'll remove it and it will never get the chance to spread or to grow into a tree. 

This is a first for us, a reality we can't comprehend. It feels as if we've been scripted for someone else's roles in a movie we don't want to be in. I remember when Mike's dad, Paul past away last year we talked about how you think you have empathy for others and realize you never understood at all until you live through it. It's impossible to grasp the depth of despair I feel at the news of my Mitt's cancer unless you've lived through it. I hope this makes you all love and appreciate each other more. I hope you take care of your health and realize that taking the very best care of you is the best gift to give those who love you. That's one of the many reasons this is so hard for me to accept; Mike did everything in his power to ensure his health. I pray that his efforts and all his work towards his health will somehow benefit him now.

He slept well last night, he still had the effects of the anesthesia so he didn't even need a morphine.  He continues to make me laugh and smile and he holds me when I cry.  I'm so very grateful to be his wife.
Thank you all for your love and encouragement.

Why?

Today was the hardest day of our lives. It went from bad to worse at Mike's scope appt. They had me come in to try to wake him and just seeing him unconscious was too much for me and I broke down. They called a counselor up to comfort me. I cried uncontrollably the entire time he was asleep. All the RN's were compassionate and I will forever be grateful for the care they showed me. I somehow knew they had very bad news for us; and I couldn't do anything but cry. There were three nurses who went on about what a great guy Mike was and how he had them all laughing before he went in and they all helped me cry.

When Mike woke up the doctor came in to show us pictures; they found a very large mass growing from his stomach all the way up into his esophagus.  The doctor called it a tree, in the photos it looked like a head of cauliflower it was white and at the base of the mass it's ulcerated meaning it's bleeding. The doctor said he was surprised Mike could swallow and eat. It's inoperable.

They called oncology and moved his next appt. from the 9th to April 2nd. At that appt. they will most likely tell us it's stomach/esophageal cancer metastasis to the liver. They basically told us that at this scope appt. but said officially the oncologist will tell us.They said eventually he may have to have a feeding tube in his stomach. The doctor told him due to the large tumors on his liver he's likely to die of liver failure. My heart is sick with grief and the small hope I had is gone. My biggest fear became real and I am so very afraid I am losing my best friend, my Mitt. Why, my Mitt, why?

No Coincidence

So many of you are contacting us and asking what you can do, I ask that you please pray for Mike. I know the helpless feeling first hand and I've developed several ways of coping and one made me smile last night so I would like to share it with you.  

Before Mike was put on morphine he had rough nights where he would quietly moan in his sleep and his breathing would sound irratic. I got in to the habit of laying very still beside him and imagining that tubes were connected from his liver to mine and I could help his liver filter all the excess it could not and send back through the tubes the needed fresh supply of the "good stuff".

Friends, I am very detailed in this process because as soon as I read the first scan from LA, I educated myself. The liver has over 300 functions and we need it to live, that's why it's called the "liver". Every night I visualize hooking our livers up and I go through my mental check list; help him process any food, help with his bile production, help him control acids, glucose and fats, help him fight infection, help clean his blood, help make enzymes and proteins needed. I lay still next to him and visualize this process. This became my middle of the night ritual. Last night in the middle of the night as I did this I got a muscle spasm on my right side, right where my liver is (you know the kind you get in your eyelid, arm or leg; the kind that has it's own rhythmic beat) and in my state of sleep deprivation I actually thought the vibration I was feeling was from my imaginary tubes. I continued to feel like I was in the middle of our liver transfusion all the while holding very still. This made me smile and I like to think that's it's no coincidence. That I can help Mitt's liver and that the very long lasting, rhythmatic muscle spasm during our "procedure" is proof that I am.

First Oncology Visit

Hello all, yesterday was a very grueling day for us. It started out rough for Mitt with pain and vomiting so I called Kaiser. They had told us we would have to wait for all the result to see an oncologist. I called them because we needed help now for pain and nausea management. We ended up with a same day oncology visit... I don't know why I looked forward to this visit; I felt no one but the ER doctor had listened to our long list of symptoms and I wanted someone to know...she did listen and I was grateful for that but the appt. was very emotional; she showed us the scans and pointed out how very large this aggressive cancer is. She said it is currently listed as Stage IV metastasized liver cancer from an unknown primary source. She said it's very important to get all the results in from the colonoscopy and endoscopy into Mike's stomach to see if they can locate the primary source as it will change his course of treatment. She said without treatment he has 6-9 months. With treatment maybe 1 or 2 years. She also said chemo has a 40-50% chance of working at all and told us several times that this was an aggressive form of cancer.

If Mike chooses chemo he will be on it for the rest of his life. (it is the only treatment she recommends; she said chemotherapy is the standard of care and the only proven method) We have not given up. We are anxious to have all the results back from the scopes that he will have done tomorrow. His next appt. with the oncologist is April 9th he will decide then if he will be going with chemo or an alternative treatment as it will most likely be then that we are informed of all of the test results. He is now on morphine and norco for pain and has three different perscriptions for his nausea. We are very grateful that his pain is under control.

I want to thank everyone for your prayers thoughtfulness and love as we feel you all with us. I am so incredibly proud of my Mitt! He faces this with bravery and continues to make all of those we meet on this medical journey, laugh and smile. Even in pain he continues to inspire me, his sense of humor reminds me many times a day why I fell instantly in love with him. I want to say special thanks to Jon Alden, Darcy Smith, Bev Zumpano and Sandra Hymowitz and to ALL our family and friends without your love we would be lost.

My Mitt

Thank you all for your support.  We both are very grateful as your love, thoughts and prayers keep us uplifted and reminds us that we are not alone.  This blog is named PapaMitt because Mike has two alias; Papa to his grand kids & kids and Mitt to me and friends.

We've known for quite sometime that Mitt was sick, the hard part was convincing his doctor. Over the past two years Mike has had many doctor appts.  The symptom that bothered him the most was his loss of muscle with other symptoms; weight loss, pain, heartburn, a cough. On Feb 28 after being told no to getting a body scan at Kaiser, Mike went to LA out of network and had a body scan.  We knew it would find something we just didn't know what.  He was experiencing severe heartburn at the time so after researching online I thought it was pancreatic cancer. We were called on March 2 and told that a spot was found on his liver and I remember thinking "oh it's his liver that one little spot is sure causing a lot of problems". But the nurse that called us had a bit of a shaky voice so I was a little apprehensive. Then they faxed us the report and our hearts sank...4 liver lesions, we converted them to inches to fully understand... one 5 inch, one 3 inch and two 1 inch ones, we both felt like throwing up. We quickly looked up how big the liver is; it's a 6" x 8" organ in a football shape. We cut out pieces of paper and laid them out to get an idea of how much of his liver was involved. We were devastated it answered all our questions as to what was causing all his symptoms and the lesions along with symptoms told us it was cancer.

Kaiser then agreed to do a scan after seeing the results from LA. He had a scan at Kaiser March 9 which showed the same results and it was frustrating as we had to stay on them just to schedule the biopsy. The biopsy was done March 21 and on March 22 Mike was in such severe pain I rushed him to the ER and he was admitted to the hospital for internal bleeding. It was actually the ER doc who came in and told us it was cancer and of course by this point we already knew but it was still so hard to hear it. He stayed in the hospital Thursday through Saturday and while there his pain went from the pain from the internal bleeding which was in the middle of his abdomen to pain on his lower left side. The surgeon told us it was his colon.  They believe his liver cancer is secondary and that they will find the primary cancer in his colon. We've had to wait for him to recover from biopsy to have the colonoscopy and a endoscopy of his esophagus and stomach it is scheduled Thurs. March 29. So next week sometime we should have all the results in and have a detailed diagnosis. As for his current condition he has had a rough morning, dry heaves and pain.  Tomorrow he has a preop appt for Thursday's appt. 

I will try to post all updates here as we have anything new to post.

Love to you. Chris