Time is an odd thing...sometimes it seems to be on our side and sometimes it seems to be against us. These days, time puts me in an awkward place...I want more time with Mitt and he wants to go. He says his quality of life is so diminished he is ready.
What can I say to this...besides I understand? I do understand with my limited capacity of what he's going through. Although I am a witness to his suffering, I am not experiencing it as he is. I am with him at 4 am when he is awake and has the dry heaves. I am with him every step of the pain management; trying to keep track of and figure out which drugs work and which drugs make it worse. I have been with him every step of this disease which has devastated both of us. But this is his experience and I am just his willing caregiver and his unwilling witness.
I can't wish for more time when he wants so badly to be free of his pain. I try to align my thoughts with his. Sometimes I hear his prayers, they are for God to take him now. My heart breaks a little more each day as I try my best to not break down and scream at the world. Inside my screams are always the same... NO NO NO...does it change it? no, does it help me? not really, does it even matter? I don't know. If on some spiritual level this experience is meant or designed to break me, it has. Adding time to the pain and suffering changes it...it is more painful, more dreadful and more devastating because with time, it begins to feel endless.
I don't want this for my Mitt. I continue to pray for him not to suffer. His time...it's precious and it's limited. This is true for all of us though; none of us know when our time will be up. These thoughts are on my heart; what can I do with our limited time and how do I make sense of this senseless suffering?
I am so sorry for the pain both you and Mike are going through. I continue to pray for no pain and suffering. You two are always on my mind. xoxo
ReplyDeleteMichelle Carlson
Sister, I wish I had answers for you. My heart breaks more for you and Mike every day. Try to cherish every moment, sister, hold Mike tight every chance you get. Love you both, Carol
ReplyDeleteMy heart is heavy with your pain and grief. Life is certainly not fair. Nothing about this is part of God's plan but He is with you waiting to take Mike in his arms and away from all this suffering. I pray for you daily. Love ya...Kim o
ReplyDeleteWish I has some words to help, but nothing seems like the right thing to write. We are praying for you everyday. We love you both, wish there was something we could do. The only thing I do know is God is good and someday everything will make sence. luv ya Pam
ReplyDeleteSister,
ReplyDeleteKeep doing the best you can. The right way is the one that works at that moment.
Thinking and Praying for You and Mike.
Chris & Mike,
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking the time to update us on Mikes condition and how you are feeling as well. It breaks my heart when I read your comments but oit also keeps me grounded. The first thing I do is tell my wife and kids how much I love them.
Dick Matkin---A friend of Mikes through doing business with Costco
Chris, praying for u and Mike, wishing there was something could say or do to help. It's really hard sometimes to make heads or tails of things and then we never do. Life is just not fair sometimes. My heart breaks for u two. As much as u don't want him to go, he will be in a better place and no longer in any pain. Keep positive thought in your mind and happy memory's when it is time to say goodbye. Love u all Karhy
ReplyDelete