Relay for Life

This past Saturday was the Relay for Life in Vacaville. Our friend, Sandra aka Sparkle was the Team captain for a girls group she is the organizer of; SWAG (Sassy Women Always Game).

Sixteen ladies from the group joined Sparkle to form Team SWAG. Together they raised $7300.00! Sparkle herself walked 24 miles. She lost her sister in law to breast cancer. Our friend, Kristie walked 22 miles; she lost her dad to brain cancer when she was just 21 years old. The ladies put up with the dusty, cold conditions for a full 24 hours; they gave up time with their loved ones for a cause they believe in.

I am so proud of them and so very grateful for them and their sacrifice.

I had a very hard time going to the event. Talking with my sister, Carol helped and right after we chatted a card came from her in the mail and it also gave me strength. Mike was having a hard day, he was noticeably weaker. Going up the stairs is becoming harder for him. The steroids he is on are helping him to be able to eat more but he is not gaining weight or strength. Seeing him struggle is always difficult but Saturday it crushed me.

I forced myself to go to the Relay and I walked a few laps with my fellow Swaggies. It was very overwhelming; the "In Memory of" tributes were everywhere. I couldn't stop my tears or the thoughts that soon there would be one for my Mitt. Even typing it now...it is so very painful to admit; it makes me feel like I'm being crushed and I can't breathe.

I tried to post here on Saturday and on Sunday but I could not bring myself to post. Sometimes posting here feels therapeutic and sometimes it feels like I'm going to break. This blog can bring me comfort at times and at others it's a pressure and a reminder of our nightmare.

Mitt is getting weaker and I feel I am too. To say I feel lonely and alone is an understatement. Even surrounded by the love and support of friends and family, I dearly miss him...I miss us, I miss our lives, I miss our love, I miss it all...and he's still here! I know I am so blessed to still be able to hug and kiss and squeeze him. It hurts me so much now, I can't even imagine the pain of my life without him.