Letting Go

I feel the need to clear the air on the issue of me letting Mike go. After my last blog post titled "Changes" I closed with... "he is asking me to let him go...daily he asks me. I'm not sure I can."

I've been sent emails, private messages and text messages regarding that statement.  Some of them cheer me on, others offer advice or even scold me in some way.  Please people, let me express my grief, my way. This is my process.  I need to go through this with my own thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  To reassure those of you who feel I am controlling Mike's death, please think again. I have NOT controlled him in his life nor will I in his death.

This is his journey not mine.  I could hire a sky plane to write out in the sky "MIKE WATRATZ, YOUR LOVING WIFE RELEASES YOU... YOU ARE NOW FREE TO MOVE ABOUT THE UNIVERSE!" He will still go when he wants to go not when I say it's okay.

So I would like to address all the responses. Yes I love myself, NO I am not suicidal NOR do I have a death wish of my own and YES I have told him he can go... many, many times.

Like the grief counselor said; grief is like a bouncing ball some days we are up and some days we are down.

I understand he wants to go, I accept he wants to go and I realize he will be going.  I will not call 911, I will not push him to treatments that he does not want nor will I hold anger against him that he did not do more to stay.  I have treated him in his illness the same way I have treated him our entire marriage.  I have loved him, respected him, cared for him and trusted him to do what is best for him.

So please don't jump to your conclusions that I have some power over him.  If I truly had the power to keep him here I would heal him and keep him here healthy, not keep him here suffering. This is his journey I want it to be his journey.  I am on my own journey, please allow me to have MY journey. 

If I am down and out don't worry, I won't stay there.  I am the daughter of two very strong and very loving people.  They buried one of their babies and with broken hearts filled the rest of us with all of their love.  My entire life, their lives have been a great example to me.  I know how to get up, brush myself off and do what I need to do.

What did the comment mean..."he is asking me to let him go...daily he asks me. I'm not sure I can."
It meant, one moment I let him go and the next moment I gasp for air and grap him back.  That's the process...as much as I say it and feel it and try to allow it...until he actually goes I will hold onto him.  Wouldn't you?