Changes

Many things are changing here. The bed was delivered so our master bedroom changed. We spoke with his nurse, Chris on the phone and they changed his meds again...so last night was a big adjustment.

Mitt slept in the hospital bed which was more comfortable for him to position his body. I missed him in our bed. They increased his morphine to 4 every 12 hours. He talked in his sleep all night. This morning he was confused no doubt from the morphine; he asked if his cigarette was out and he doesn't smoke. He told me Helen knew how to adjust the bed and we don't know someone named Helen. Hospice said it takes 3 days for his body to adjust to the new dose of morphine. They decided to increase his dose as he was still having too much pain. Of course I don't want him in pain but it's sad to have him so confused, it's like losing a bit more of him everyday.

The hospital bed has one of those air mattress pads that helps with bedsores so the vibration from the motor is a constant reminder. I'm downstairs and I can hear the motor from here, it sounds like something vibrating on the ceiling. The sound and feeling reminds me of the little vibrating bouncy seat they make for babies.

We also had a counseling session with Erin. She told me I need to change my thought process as I'm choosing to stay in the past to include him in my current life. She said I'm setting myself up for failure. I have been in denial, to comfort myself I think about things like; what Mitt and I will be doing in the future. In my mind I've been making imaginary plans. I started doing this because it helped me sleep but now it's become a habit. I need to stop. I didn't do this last night so one day at a time, or in my case...night, as nights are harder.

She also told me I need to get out of the house. That's harder for me, I don't want to leave Mitt here and I'm a homebody. I've had a home based business for 9 years; home for me is work, play, relaxation and the gym. But more than anything else, Mitt is home I want to be here with him. I know she's trying to help me stay sane and strong in this and I told her I would try and I will. Every hospice person turns their attention to me and tells me I have to get out of the house. I'm sure they see first hand the toll this takes on the spouse and getting out is a break from the sadness and the pressure.

It seems to me they are advising me to start now in creating my new beginning; to have two parallel lives going at the same time. One with Mitt where I continue to care for him and one that's just me. So when Mitt leaves this world, I'll be ready, because I will already be started in a new life without him. Then the two lives I have created will once again be one life...I'll step out of my life with him and have both feet in my new life alone. It sounds easier said than done, a foot in each life isn't appealing to me...I want to give 100% of myself to him. The only life I want, is a life that includes him.

He is asking me to let him go...daily he asks me. I'm not sure I can.