Sadness

I can't bring myself to post. It's very difficult to express how we are managing. The days and nights seem to be filled with grief; my heart aches every time I look at my Mitt. He is dying before me and witnessing his decline in health is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. He now weighs 163 and at 6'2" tall he looks very, very thin. He still tries to make me laugh but his energy is declining. He pushes himself to be "up" for visitors which is very draining for him.

Mike's mom and brother were here for Mother's Day and just left today. Little Mama was planning on staying but after she witnessed how Mike pushed himself to be "up" for her, she decided she should go home so he would rest. This is so Mitt, always trying to make us all feel better while he is suffering. The character of my Mitt has always amazed me but through his illness I've been impressed over and over at his courage and his compassion for his family.

Every year for Mother's Day we release butterflies; we've had this tradition for 12 years now.  It was nice to be together and to have Little Mama and Brother Mark here with us.

Mother's Day morning started out very rough for Mitt and at first I didn't think he would be able to get out of bed but not only did he join us for lunch he even spent time in the pool with the grandkids. 

Papa had given Jackson a Jelly Belly pillow and Jackson drew a picture of Papa and taped it to his pillow so he can hug Papa whenever he wants to.  Jackson brought his pillow to show us and we all loved it.  After lunch, the butterfly release and swimming it was so sweet to see Papa snuggling with the grandkids.  We had a peaceful holiday and I'm very grateful.

Today I will be contacting hospice and counseling. I am so filled with sadness I'm not sure how to process this. Watching the man I love grow weaker each day is overwhelming crushing suffocating excruticating and devastating...all these feelings are why I haven't been able to post. I have no words and no way of understanding why the human condition is so inhumane.