The Serenity Prayer

Last night I went to sleep repeating the short version of The Serenity Prayer...

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

If I say this prayer to myself enough times can I let go of the one little question that haunts me?  Can I escape what I so badly want to stop asking, can I be free from asking..."Why?"

To me asking why feels like I am in doubt, weak and unprepared. I've always been a person who says; "if it's meant to be it will be" or "if it's meant to be it's up to me".

I've always accepted what life dealt me, I did the best I could, I gave thanks for the good and in my maturity, I also gave thanks for the things in my life we would label "bad" as those challenges also brought the gift of growth and understanding.

But now my little "if it's meant to be it will be" no longer brings me comfort; as the flip side of that coin is unspeakable and unbearable to me. I've had my strong moments; the light shiny, this is meant to be just the way it is moments, the it is all God's plan, we signed up for this moments and I will understand someday before God in heaven when all will be revealed.

But then I hug my husband and I feel someone else...where is my Mitt? Who's body is this?  When I see Mike from a distance when I take in the big picture of him, my heart breaks and I scream inside. Who I see from a distance is someone else, a smaller version of himself but unbelievable to me. It shocks me to my core every time. What this disease has taken from him is already too much.  It's very noticeable to me and those close to him. He was 6' 2" and weighed 240, he now weighs 189. Everyone that sees him says he looks so good. What is wrong with our society that we all value being thin so much?

Even when the doctor told him he had stomach/esophageal cancer, the doctor added but you look good, you're healthy. WHAT!!!? I said, he's not healthy!!! You just told him he has cancer and he's half the size used to be!!!

This has been our problem throughout this journey, every doctor that saw Mike labeled him as "you look great".  He came in with a list of symptoms and a smile. So that smile wiped it all away; they saw a slim man with a big smile and a quick laugh and they immediately decided he was healthy.

So I looked up the rest of The Serenity Prayer as I knew there was more and perhaps it would bring me peace.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; 

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next. 

Amen.  - Reinhold Niebuhr

Dear God,

We would like to request a change to the records.

Please delete Mike's disease and copy & paste in good health and a long life.

Forever Yours,

Chris & Mike

(Our Oncology Appt is at 4:30 today I will post an update after the appt.)